rewritethepast: (resignation)
[personal profile] rewritethepast
My first death.

My first death.

I knew it would eventually happen, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. I'm not even in med proper, for goodness sake.

But I really couldn’t do anything; when we entered the ward area, they were already doing a cardiac massage and using an ambibag on the patient. My friend and I asked some nurses if the person was dying and they said that it was a normal routine thing. We were dubious (because the cardiac massage seemed so urgent), but we nodded and moved on.

After watching our nurse (whom we shadowed for the day) do nasal feeding (which I have discussed weeks ago), we went to someone’s hospital bed and helped in cleaning her forced wound. I say “forced” because the lady had a tube inserted in her body (and I mean that there was a large long tube that entered her side; the tube’s cross-sectional diameter was nearly the size of a 25 centavo coin) to help drain phlegm from her lungs. We used betadine, soaking some cotton balls in it and applying them to the area radially outward from the wound. Then we heard it.

I’ll never forget that sound in my whole life. I swear I’ll never forget it.

It was a desperate, disbelieving cry that tore at my heart and broke it into a million pieces. The four of us looked in the direction the sound was coming from and it was a woman clutching the body of the patient we saw earlier getting a cardiac massage who was screaming and crying and...

I remember the words the nurse we shadowed told us when we asked her if the patient was dead; they burrowed deep in my mind and my heart and echo in my ears as I now try and solve stoichiometry problems as practice for our Chem Departmental Exam this Saturday.

“Oo, normal na yan. Pag bago ka, iisipin mo na sana may nagawa ka pa para buhay pa siya. Pero mawawala rin iyan, nagiging normal nalang.”

When I shadowed a nurse in Ward 3, he told me that he would always remember the day a patient of his died (the first one assigned to him who died) – December 22, 2005 (well, either 22th or 24th – my memory is going bad again). He told us the same thing: the first patient will always be the one burned in one’s memory.

I keep seeing the scene play out in my mind. The woman screaming as she held the patient and the nurses going about their business like nothing life-changing had happened. Some of the patients looking on from their own beds and others just asleep or otherwise uninterested.

The four of us assigned to Ward 1, looking at it from a short distance and not being able to do anything at all.

I couldn’t have done anything. None of us could. The patient had so many diseases (we read the Clinical Abstract but couldn’t understand the doctor’s/nurse’s handwriting) and has had labored breathing for a long time already, a medical clerk told us. The patient had so many problems, some of them dating back to 1998. We just came when it was Code Red already; we were there when her life was extinguished like a finger does to a weakened flame.

The nurse told us that cardiac massage was a normal procedure and there was nothing to worry about, yet when I researched it using the internet later I found out it is used when the patient had already gone into cardiac arrest. Perhaps it is normal in this ward… I don’t know the death rate of patients in PGH. Maybe they didn’t want to scare us… we looked so young compared to the interns and medical clerks and everyone else surrounding us.

Eventually the woman stopped crying, and a nurse appeared to detach the stuff hooked up to the patient. White dividers were placed around the bed, and the nurse did her work like she’s done it a hundred times before. Maybe she has.

I didn’t even find out her name.

I don’t know why, but that seems important.

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I was nothing but a spectator to this death, which may have been normal to the veterans of PGH yet has changed the life of the woman crying because of her. I know I’m just a first year student. I know I couldn’t have done anything to help.

Yet I still hate myself for not being able to do anything.

I don’t ever want to feel this again. I don’t ever want to watch a life snuff out right before my eyes like this again, with the world having to quickly return to normal.

But I know I’ll feel this again, I’ll feel this a thousand times even as I become more learned and understand more the medical explanations behind each death, each life-threatening disease. I think my heart will still break with every death I witness, and my world will be thrust into darkness and I’ll struggle to break free so I can try again to make a better myself to try and prevent any more of this. The cycle will go on and on and on and eventually death will become familiar to me.

I hate this feeling.

But I’d rather feel it and hate it than feel nothing at all.


Would it had been better had I not seen it today?

No, it wouldn’t.

I would be happier, yes, but it’s better to see it now instead of pretending that the path I takes leads to many more situations where nothing more can be done, where lives just flutter away like a butterfly with wings.

I’ve been wearing a blindfold in Intarmed. Sometimes the blindfold slips down and I catch a glimpse of something yet it fixes itself and I can continue my life like nothing had happened.

I feel that right now the blindfold has been yanked off, my eyes seeing exactly what the world has in store for me.

I don’t think I want to find it and put it back over my eyes again.


This is for you, Nya :)

Well, and anyone who wants to see my jellyfish stuffed toy with my newly-acquired shrimp stuffed toy :)

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Hmmm. Can shrimps even smile? *donk*


Article taken from here.

Lots of interesting stories on that text file, but I’ll save the first one here.

Duck survives two days in a Fla. refrigerator after being shot; startles hunter's wife
By: Associated Press
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Neither gunfire nor two days in a refrigerator could slay this duck.

When the wife of the hunter who shot it opened the refrigerator door, the duck lifted its head, giving her a scare.
The man's wife "was going to check on the refrigerator because it hadn't been working right and when she opened the door, it looked up at her," said Laina Whipple, a receptionist at Killearn Animal Hospital. "She freaked out and told the daughter to take it to the hospital right then and there."

The 1-pound female ring-neck ended up at Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary, where it has been treated since Tuesday for wounds to its wing and leg.

Sanctuary veterinarian David Hale said it has about a 75 percent chance of survival, but probably won't ever be well enough to be released back into the wild.

He said the duck, which has a low metabolism, could have survived in a big enough refrigerator, especially if the door was opened and closed several times. And he said he understands how the hunter thought the duck was dead.

"This duck is very passive," Hale said. "It's not like trying to pick up a Muscovy at Lake Ella, where you put your life in your hands.

// I think I would have died if I were put in the same situation. I mean, getting shot and being subjected to really cold temperatures?


[Part 2 of 2]

Perhaps I’m too harsh on myself and my blockmates. Hundreds of students do these same experiments and dissections every year. Why should we suffer and they get to sleep soundly at night?

What gives us the right to end the lives of certain “lower” organisms just for the purpose of gathering information? And why do we play with them, subject them to stimuli that would be considered inhumane had the subjects been like us?

Imagine having a soldering rod held to your thigh, even if you wriggle or just whimper quietly and even if your skin turns red and eventually burns off. Think of having a hole in your skin, burn caused and pain inducing yet your captors just note something down in their lab manuals and they just move on to the next point of torture.

Imagine having something acidic spread on a part of your skin, and while the burning sensation overtakes your senses your captors smile and bring you to the sink and you feel cool water cascading down your body. You feel a false sense of security thinking that it’s all over but then they bring out the tissue soaked with acid again and they spread the acid on another part of your skin. Imagine your hind foot feebly trying to rub the acidic spot yet not really succeeding in alleviating the pain felt.

Imagine having a needle inserted in your brain and your brain getting destroyed (or at least parts of it, depending on the angle) because someone ordered others to do it to you.

I feel sorry for the frogs we have sacrificed for this experiment. I certainly would have reacted worse had my toe been pinched, my leg been shocked, parts of my body were wiped with acid, my leg was burned, my world turned upside down and rotating inside out and turned side to side.

Oh, but we didn’t just attack frogs; we added earthworms to our repertoire. We were much kinder to the earthworms overall, though I know some earthworms met a firey grave by light’s flame.

Imagine being placed on one’s back and trying to right one’s body yet not succeeding because something is missing in your body – you don’t understand it but your legs don’t spring outward and you can’t right yourself anymore. Imagine being thrown on the pan again and again, seeing so many eyes looking at you and waiting for you to try again and again and just wanting to curl up and sleep or die or just be a thousand miles away from that dissecting pan.

Imagine been placed in a pan and having the pan rotate counterclockwise and clockwise, making the world in your mind spin painfully while sustaining previous wounds. Imagine trying to escape the spinning world by trying to hop off the floor beneath you, yet not quite succeeding because of the speed the world spins and the weakness in your body from the previous tortures performed on you. Imagine getting to the edge of the pan and being thrown back by the force of the spin, and you keep hopping with hope in your mind yet not ever succeeding. Or even worse, imagine jumping off the pan and trying to fully escape the brightly lit room full of students with scalpels and pithing needles and getting picked up by a glove-covered hand and getting placed back on the pan and seeing the world spin around all over again.

And when the world stops spinning you breathe easy and lay down in the middle of the pan it then turns from side to side and you blindly rush towards the end of the pan but can’t succeed in jumping off because of the force of the turns and the student’s glove stopping you from escaping the newfound torture.

I’m not being melodramatic, sadly. We did all these with our frogs (oh the four frogs that suffered) after specially modifying some of them. One frog had part of its brain destroyed (its cerebral hemispheres and diencephalon), the other had its whole brain destroyed (this was our frog, so my ruminations are based mostly on this frog), and one frog was normal - he may have been the unluckiest of them all because he felt all the stimuli at full force. The luckiest frog must have been the totally pithed frog since its entire brain and spinal cord was destroyed; it at least couldn’t feel most of the painful stimuli we exposed it to.

Knowledge is important; we need this knowledge to better understand the human body. Eventually we’ll be able to apply all we know to our patients: hey, we learned about frog fossa and eventually found out that humans have fossa too. Eventually.

With each semester, new things will be offered to us that we will study and analyze as best we can being young adults thrown into a special fast-paced world of our own. (I believe the organisms are cats and sharks next semester.) We will continue with this even if the moral ramifications are damning because we aspire to a greater good, to help others live their lives the way they want to without sickness or pain.

If killing so many frogs will help us save human lives later on, then I accept this calling. There is no other way right now, and I only hope that our actions later on when we are qualified to hold other humans’ lives in our hands will help atone for the deaths we caused at this point in our lives.


Belated happy birthday Kel-san ^^

And advanced happy birthday to Anne, my fellow legal classmate who’s the only one older than me in the whole of Intarmed.


Yesterday I was able to cut open a frog’s stomach with Joan-san. We were supposed to check for rugae, which were defined as longitudinal folds in the stomach’s interior (Rubite, 1998).

It’s an oddly flesh-colored thing, a frog’s stomach; small yet oblong and surprisingly tough to cut. Yet we persevered and following the laboratory manual we had scalpel in hand and a good grip on the frog.

With the first incision, a clear colorless fluid started flowing out. This was unexpected yet explainable. However, when the cut was made longer, suspicious brown things were seen floating in the stomach and we dropped the scalpel and brought the frog, stomach and all, and the dissecting pan to the sink with the intent to just wash out its questionable content and send them on a long exciting journey through UP Manila’s plumbing system.

The general observations about our frog were made beforehand: the frog was male (it had testes and no ovary nor oviduct), its liver had three lobes and masqueraded as its lungs, it had a particularly large heart compared to the other frogs (with some corposa adiposa – fat - around it), the stomach was attached to the dorsal wall of the frog by a colorless membrane known as the mesogastrium. But eventually we would reach the part of the laboratory manual that instructed us to make a longitudinal cut in the stomach and wash out its contents.

When we reached the sink, we gingerly put the stomach under the faucet and watched some more suspicious brown things flow out with the clear liquid already inside. My head had shut down so all I could think was that I had seen that shade of brown before yet I couldn’t remember where. I suggested to Joan that I make the incision larger and I did, and more of the suspicious brown stuff floated down into the sink and down the drain. I got another implement and together Joan and I scooped out the remaining brown things mixed with oddly transparent thin things. One of them fell on the frog’s leg and I looked at it closely.

It was a fly’s wing.

When the stomach was cleaned, we went back to our table and looked in the stomach for the longitudinal folds that we had to find. Squinting, there were faint folds inside. Later we would find out that the stomach has prominent rugae when it is empty, which would explain why we couldn’t see much (the frog ate a lot before it died).

Someone was able to extract the frog’s urinary bladder and it was a transparent piece of membrane that was empty. This was logical since the frog in question urinated on the dissecting pan while it was being pithed (brain and spinal cord was being destroyed) and skinned.

We cut the frog’s heart lastly, and we really couldn’t find much on it. It was certainly cone-shaped and hard to extract but when we opened it we saw nothing remarkable other than a thin transparent membrane-like wall separating the two sides of the heart from each other. It must have been the interauricular septum.

I saw my classmate then, who was observing his groupmates dismember their frog. I then looked at the dissecting pan containing the frog and one of the brown suspicious things and I realized what made its color look so familiar.

“Ivan,” I asked innocently, “do frogs eat cockroaches?”

He looked at me and contemplated my seemingly odd and irrelevant question. “Yung mga malalaki, oo.” Our other classmate looked up from the frog he was dismembering and looked at me. “Bakit?”

I pointed to the pan. “When we opened the frog’s stomach we found this” and I gestured to what looked exactly like a cockroach’s exoskeleton/wing.

They nodded gravely.

Frogs aren’t so bad after all if they can kill insects that can live for days on the glue on the back of a postage stamp. :)


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Yay strawberries!!!!

Infinitely more healthy than what I normally eat (cup noodles, fastfood offerings and potato chips)!


Sometimes I wish you’d read my blog.

But then I think that it’s better that you don’t (to my knowledge) because you might think I’m obsessed with you and what you think of me.

I’m not.

I just wonder what you’ll think of me, comparing the me expressed with words and the me that interacts with you and making a conclusion as to who I really am.

I wonder which one you’d prefer.


One week to go before it's the day again, and I wonder if I'll forget about it with the numerous requirements that threaten to engulf me.

Yet I don't think I can forget, because it may not be tattooed on my skin yet it's made an indelible mark on my soul.

Site Meter

Date: 2007-02-07 03:14 pm (UTC)
ext_11633: (gg - lorelais; comfort)
From: [identity profile]
But I know I’ll feel this again, I’ll feel this a thousand times even as I become more learned and understand more the medical explanations behind each death, each life-threatening disease. I think my heart will still break with every death I witness, and my world will be thrust into darkness and I’ll struggle to break free so I can try again to make a better myself to try and prevent any more of this. The cycle will go on and on and on and eventually death will become familiar to me.

Waaah ito ang pinakakinakatakutan ko sa pagiging doktor. Death is such a huge part of life, any death of a person even remotely close to you, and it feels so.. so final and so sad and it's just a huge thing to happen to people, and to families and to friends. And for death to become a normal thing? That eventually it'll all be just the same, that the faces of those people I watch die will just blend together and be rendered meaningless? Ayoko. :(

Pero mangyayari at mangyayari yun. We'll destroy our psyches if our brains don't adapt to that. Hay nakakalungkot.

I can't say anything to make you feel better, dear. :( But.. just.. *HUG*

Date: 2007-02-07 04:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't want all the dead people I will encounter to become a mass of nameless faces. I want to remember them all because they were human and they deserve to be remembered. I can't think of death right now as "a medical process where the cells just give out or the organism lacks sufficient resources to continue existing."

I'm scared that I'll just become an emotionless robot that knows the technical stuff but has no bedside manners nor compassion for the patients and their families. One of our subjects aims to eliminate that fear (which is apparently not rare in doctors from UP) but I don't know anymore.

To save people, must we become cold and lose our humanity ourselves? I don't know if I can ever say yes to that. But I think I must.

Thank you Lara, you don't know how much your comment helped me. :)

Date: 2007-02-07 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
condolences to your first death... for some extremely weird reason, naiinggit ako... pano ba naman, at least sa inyo "normal" na... sa amin hindi pa... hihintayin pa namin ang araw na mangyayari yan sa amin...


paki-change ang pic ng strawberry mo... naiimagine ko na may something growing disgusting sa strawberry dahil after siya ng frog and insect discussion mo eh...

but strawberries are nice... especially with condensed milk... YUM!!!

Date: 2007-02-07 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You weren't there, Trebor. It was so horrible then. Actually, JF, Ardynne, CJ, and Miggy already have their first death too since someone also died in Ward 3 yesterday.

And I have a feeling that I'll feel a thousand times worse if someone I'm treating or help treating or am assigned to dies. I don't think death will be a normal occurrence (for me) for a long time yet.

Ah, the green stuff on the strawberries? The strawberries aren't fully ripe so some of their tips are green. I have no other pictures of the strawberries because their number is decreasing rapidly.

Hmmm, that's what my mom suggested too. Or sugar. But I don't have them here. *donk*

Date: 2007-02-07 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
hindi naman sa minamaliit ko ang nangyari sa inyo... in fact mas natatakot ako sa akin kung siguro naranasan ko ang naraasan ninyo...

gusto ko siya sana maexperience as early as possible because at least i know what to do when that happens next time... hindi naman sa sadista ako or anything diba... ayoko lang na kung kailan nanggagamot na ako eh sinisisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko dahil wala akong magawa sa pasyente ko...

i hope you understand...

and, oh yeah, i forgot this one...

*hugs lorraine*

ung strawberry??? its not the green one na medyo nangagnadiri ako... its the white part...

i can imagine parasites feeding on the strawberry tas kakainin mo pa rin siya...

Date: 2007-02-08 07:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I understand, Trebor-san :) It's ok. :) Thanks :)

Ahhh, the white part. Actually the white part of the strawberry is visible because I cut off the leaves. >_< But I have changed the picture, don't worry :)

Date: 2007-02-07 04:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oo nga pala... meron diyan sa rob!!! sa supermarket!!! hindi sila pwede mawalan ng condensed milk...

at masarap ang melon (not watermelon) and condensed milk!!! wala lang... masarap basically ang kahit anong fruit with condensed milk... tropical fruit ha!!!

Date: 2007-02-08 07:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Heehee, oo nga. Nakakatamad nga lang pumunta sa supermarket - parang ang daming tao ngayon sa Rob for some reason.

Hmmm, atis with condensed milk? >_< But yeah, melon and condensed milk is nice :)

Date: 2007-02-08 09:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
okay so scratch that generalization that all tropical fruits go well with condensed milk...

Date: 2007-02-08 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hee, maybe it only works with tropical fruits with small seeds.

Does condensed milk go well with durian and langka? =P

Date: 2007-02-08 02:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
durian probably yes... mabaho lang ang durian so i haven't tried it...

pwede din cguro sa langka... tatamis lang lalo ang lasa...

Date: 2007-02-08 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Haven't tried durian yet either =P

It would probably enhance langka's taste but langka now reminds me of the frog's corpusa adiposa. >_< Parehong kulay, etc kasi.

Date: 2007-02-07 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
ahw lorraine...i get trebor's point...buti na lang yung first death mo eh nangyari sooner at hindi ka pa talaga involved kesa naman sa ang first death mo eh kapag pinapractice mo na yung profession at may kinalaman ka talaga sa pagkamatay nung person...

ewan ko kung naaalala mo yung sinabi ng neurosurgeon sa career talk sa pisay nung tinanong siya kung ano ginagawa niya kapag namatayang siya ng pasyente...hindi ko na siya masyadong maalala pero parang sabi niya tinutulog na lang and he's hoping that he'll do better next time...basta nung kinwento ko yun kay mama sabi niya nagdadamayan na lang silang mga doktor...minsan kapag yung friend niyang anesthesiologist tumatawag sa bahay kapag namamatayan siya ng pasyente...alam mo yun. they'll just talk it out to make themselves feel siguro that's a good thing to do. magdamayan na lang kayong mga intarmed peeps para mas madaling tanggapin yung pagkamatay ng patients niyo. :D

being a doctor is a noble task. always remember that. :D

Date: 2007-02-08 08:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm still in shock, actually. But I understand both your and Trebor-san's point. :) I guess this is a good thing in the long run. At least I'm finding out now my coping mechanisms with death instead of later in med proper, etc.

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. (Maybe it is related to this?) Di masyado namin (yung mga naassign sa Ward 1) pinag-usapan yung nangyari pagkatapos nun. Baka nga makatulong iyon. It's a good thing that I wasn't alone in Ward 1 yesterday - I might have gone crazy. Actually, I felt a lot better after seeing your comment :)

being a doctor is a noble task. always remember that. :D

Thanks, Pauline-san :) I think I needed to be reminded of that. :)

Date: 2007-02-08 11:08 am (UTC)
ext_11633: (etc - kh; sleeping to dream about you)
From: [identity profile]
I guess this is a good thing in the long run. At least I'm finding out now my coping mechanisms with death instead of later in med proper, etc.

GAH! Now I'm scared. :( Malamang sa malamang, I'll be 22 and in med proper and saka lang ako makakawitness ng death. Or I might even be the cause of it. Hala, breakdown yun sigurado. >_

Date: 2007-02-08 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
But you will be more mature when that happens, I'm sure, because you'll have experienced more situations in the four years before med proper.

Actually, I think "my first death" was sort of early. My sister's in med proper now (after four years of premed) and she still hasn't experienced it.

And as Pauline-san said, friends (rather, classmates) will probably help you get through the death since well, who else will understand?

Kaya natin ito, Lara-san :) Somehow :)

Date: 2007-02-08 10:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hug* i killed a frog today. not exactly like a member of your own species dying, but i get how it feels.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for putting quotation marks on the word lower. geez. the nerve of some people calling other organisms "lower". i prefer to use the term less complex. so thank you.

strawberry makes me mouth water... oooo... :P

Date: 2007-02-08 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks Desa-san :)

I don't like killing frogs either. :( I feel like the frog under my scalpel is extremely unlucky to be caught by the frogman who gave it to us. Next school year we'll be dissecting cats and I am very thankful that the cats are killed beforehand. I don't even know how to kill a cat (other than chloroforming it or starving it to death).

I agree with the less complex term. Technically certain organisms have better senses than us (like dogs with their heightened sense of smell). And while the frog may not be capable of emotion (I think) it still has a lot of leg muscles compared to us considering its small size (bah, I don't like memorizing them though). :) I hate people calling other organisms "lower" because in some aspects they exceed us (like birds having a better circulatory system than us). :| Less complex at least gives some allowance (may just refer to comparison of the brains of other animals with ours) and is more politically correct. I think I lost my point somewhere in this paragraph. You're welcome :)

Why must strawberries be so expensive? >_< I want to go to Baguio and get lots and lots of them (and the Good Shepherd jam!). :)

Date: 2007-02-08 10:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lorr! (not torr) don't worry about it.. In the weeks i've been going to PGH, i've seen 3 people go into code Blue, i've witness 2 deaths, and I almost killed somebody (anaphylectic shock..) remember House's quote. :D i forgot it bat basta. It is in the nature of medicine (and life) that you will screw up. I'm sure you can handle this. Ikaw pa! :D TC Lorr (not Knorr) forgive the lame rhyming. :D

Date: 2007-02-08 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't even use Knorr. >_< But I do admire Torricelli (the man who the unit torr is named after).

Interestingly, we were told that it was Code Red (when the patient went into cardiac arrest) after the whole thing but it's probably Code Blue (since according to wiki, Code Red = fire in the hospital).

Ehh, it's the law of entropy manifested in real life (eek, thermodynamics). I'm scared of your candor in telling me about your experiences though. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about those experiences that easily had they happened to me.

But thanks, I get your point. :) (But the rhyming killed me. :|)

Date: 2007-02-08 02:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
maybe it changes from ward to ward...

but do you know what this means? baka isama nila sa isang exam ang hospital protocol...

Date: 2007-02-08 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Maybe... I should ask JF-san if their situation was called "Code Red" in their ward.

Baka nga. Pero siguro malayong-malayo pa. Baka kapag clerk na tayo. ^^ May "Code Brown" pala =P

Date: 2007-02-11 06:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
AAAAAAHHHH!!!! Bakit may shrimp stuffed toy kaaaa!!!!!

Date: 2007-02-11 10:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hi Alyssa :)

Ehehe, I found one at a shrimp restaurant in Greenbelt :) Medyo mahal nga lang, boo.

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