rewritethepast: (sad)
[personal profile] rewritethepast
Congratulations. Even though many people have made me angry, sad, a combination of the two, no one has made me so mad, sad, overcome with emotion, to scream at him or her in front of a class. (Even in the Darkest Days of the STR Research saga, no, I never screamed at one of my groupmates in front of the class and our teacher - who would be horrified, probably.)

Let me correct that: no one has made me so overcome with emotion to scream at him or her in front of a class during an oral report. (I am just thankful that my teacher said kind words to me afterwards, telling me that what I reported on was right anyhow.)

Such a dubious honor, and I award it to people (if only it had only been one, but no, it's almost the whole enchilada - block) I thought would never make me feel this way.

Key word here? Thought.

I should be embarrassed, and I am (but not because I shouted in front of the class). I should be angry now, but I'm not.

I'm just sad.

Maybe that's worse.

Hey, limbic system? Could you stop cranking out this sad feeling I'm experiencing? Yeah, like that will work.

Anger, I'm an Aries. I don't put stock much in Astrology anymore (although I have many books attesting to a long-ago belief in it) but Aries people are said to be quick to anger, yet their anger burns out quickly. I don't easily get angry, but the latter bit's true.

Sadness... that takes a while longer to disappear.

I just know, though, that what happened today would never happen to any other person here, so I wonder what my classmates thought of me that made it ok for this to happen.

Maybe I'm too much of a doormat. Maybe.

Maybe I'm just not right for this.

Site Meter

Date: 2007-10-09 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i get that the world cannot say anything to make you feel significantly better, i'm just hoping the comment makes a teeny bit of difference.

Date: 2007-10-09 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Yeah, it does make a difference. Thank you.

BTW, I hope you got my text greeting you on your first day of legality. If not, err, belated happy 1st day of legality. ^^

Date: 2007-10-09 06:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oddities. i replied to that text message. i remember kasi i was pretending to study math then. tayo ay mga dakilang docturnal creatures. rar.

anyway, got it. thanks.

Date: 2007-10-10 11:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
^^ is feeling a little better today probably because there is no test today, just one lecture class.

You're welcome :)

Hee, docturnal. That's a nice word :) I want to be just one of the two, but I still have at least two weeks to go (counting the rest of this week)...

Hope you're all right over there. :)

Sorry Lorraine...

Date: 2007-10-09 03:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all, I am appalled by the way some of us treated you, the way I treated you. Perhaps I can attribute this to either my desensitation or my newly acquired and recently fortified numbness. Yet I do take responsibility and I offer my sincerest apology.

Second, I hope that someday we can truly make amends and not forget this incident (no never forget) but rather learn to appreciate each other's hard work.

Sorry Lorraine, I admit we all make mistakes sometimes but I hope you can find it in your heart to continue this journey with us. :D


Re: Sorry Lorraine...

Date: 2007-10-09 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all, I thank you for your commenting. That's a really brave thing to do, given that this is a public post and given your message in particular. The few people who talked to me about this, they all hid under the cloak of texting and personal one-on-one conversations. (I don't belittle their efforts -just the fact that they tried is already much appreciated-, I feel a bit better because of them -though the sadness doesn't really seem to want to go away- but you gave away your identity to the readers of this blog. That's something already for me.)

I don't know about accepting apologies, because right now my mind is split in two about this. The logical part wants me to forgive, given what we've all shared in one year and nearly half and the stressful circumstances we've always found ourselves in being intensified to a fever pitch. The emotional part is just sad. Sad. I don't know. It's been giving me these feelings for a while (because of other reasons), but this... this just was the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess. And this is the most painful experience I've had since I've entered Imed easily, since I never expected it. Love problems, grades, teachers, family problems, health... I thought of that all. This? No, because... I don't know. I should have thought of it. Maybe it would hurt less.

Like I said in this post, I wish I had just felt anger. Anger, it's easy to rationalize anger to my limbic system. Sadness... that's the stuff I didn't wish to gain from entering Imed.

I don't know. I feel rather empty right now, so I wouldn't feel right giving you my forgiveness when clearly I'm still torn up inside. (I was considering not going to school yesterday because I didn't want to face Imed, or at least half of it, but then I realized that my grades are already in the toilet and missing would just be flushing them down. Then I overslept and became late anyway. Stupid.)

Thank you for acknowledging, thank you for this comment. I don't know about never forgetting, because people have told me this and forgotten so easily afterwards. But thank you, because you were kind and brave enough to say something afterwards.

And I know this is very personal, but I thought I should return the favor as you chose this way to talk to me.

Well, I have always been a fan of your blog.

Date: 2007-10-10 11:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Let this comment then be a public testament to not forgetting. I don't think this page will ever be erased (unless in some dystopic future people purge the internet of emotion).

I think it's natural to feel sadness. Sir Jal even said we are an emo culture. We connect sadness to reality. In the Matrix, (sorry, nerdness) the architect said we humans are unable to accept the perfect world, paradise because we'll tell ourselves it isn't real. Well perhaps, it is natural to feel the sadness. I am happy that you had an ideal image of us, me as your blockmate (i can't presume to speak for everyone) and once again I apologize.

I will hold on to the fact that you are Lorraine, and you can surely survive this. So, I will be waiting patiently for the time when you'll be ready.

P.S. thank you. :)

Re: Well, I have always been a fan of your blog.

Date: 2007-10-13 01:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Who knows, Livejournal might go under. >_< You're pretty much right, though.

I've lived with sadness all my life, what with my myriad of problems. I didn't really expect a perfect world (a perfect world would have no OrgChem, or at least everyone would get 1.0 in it); Pisay's given me input into failing, etc.

I guess I was just happy, happy to have met everyone in Imed, that I may have idealized all of you a bit in my head. You were all that I ever wanted to be but never was, and I thought, I thought that somehow we were all friends. And we are, but I guess there is no eliminating this feeling of inadequacy, this feeling of sadness that emerges when I remember what I am, what I have always been, what I'll never be, which that incident (along with other extenuating circumstances) has reinforced.

I guess the hardest part about this is that I can't think so much about it, because of other tragedies (like acads which will be all I'll eat and drink and breathe until Oct. 23, I guess). If I had time to just sit down, write and write and write and pour everything out it would be so much easier for my head and heart to connect. I guess that's what I'll do in sembreak (other than study for NMAT?).

Thank you, you really don't know how much your words have helped.

January 2008

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