rewritethepast: (resignation)
My first death.

My first death.

I knew it would eventually happen, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. I'm not even in med proper, for goodness sake.

But I really couldn’t do anything; when we entered the ward area, they were already doing a cardiac massage and using an ambibag on the patient. My friend and I asked some nurses if the person was dying and they said that it was a normal routine thing. We were dubious (because the cardiac massage seemed so urgent), but we nodded and moved on.

After watching our nurse (whom we shadowed for the day) do nasal feeding (which I have discussed weeks ago), we went to someone’s hospital bed and helped in cleaning her forced wound. I say “forced” because the lady had a tube inserted in her body (and I mean that there was a large long tube that entered her side; the tube’s cross-sectional diameter was nearly the size of a 25 centavo coin) to help drain phlegm from her lungs. We used betadine, soaking some cotton balls in it and applying them to the area radially outward from the wound. Then we heard it.

I’ll never forget that sound in my whole life. I swear I’ll never forget it.

It was a desperate, disbelieving cry that tore at my heart and broke it into a million pieces. The four of us looked in the direction the sound was coming from and it was a woman clutching the body of the patient we saw earlier getting a cardiac massage who was screaming and crying and...

I remember the words the nurse we shadowed told us when we asked her if the patient was dead; they burrowed deep in my mind and my heart and echo in my ears as I now try and solve stoichiometry problems as practice for our Chem Departmental Exam this Saturday.

“Oo, normal na yan. Pag bago ka, iisipin mo na sana may nagawa ka pa para buhay pa siya. Pero mawawala rin iyan, nagiging normal nalang.”

When I shadowed a nurse in Ward 3, he told me that he would always remember the day a patient of his died (the first one assigned to him who died) – December 22, 2005 (well, either 22th or 24th – my memory is going bad again). He told us the same thing: the first patient will always be the one burned in one’s memory.

I keep seeing the scene play out in my mind. The woman screaming as she held the patient and the nurses going about their business like nothing life-changing had happened. Some of the patients looking on from their own beds and others just asleep or otherwise uninterested.

The four of us assigned to Ward 1, looking at it from a short distance and not being able to do anything at all.

I couldn’t have done anything. None of us could. The patient had so many diseases (we read the Clinical Abstract but couldn’t understand the doctor’s/nurse’s handwriting) and has had labored breathing for a long time already, a medical clerk told us. The patient had so many problems, some of them dating back to 1998. We just came when it was Code Red already; we were there when her life was extinguished like a finger does to a weakened flame.

The nurse told us that cardiac massage was a normal procedure and there was nothing to worry about, yet when I researched it using the internet later I found out it is used when the patient had already gone into cardiac arrest. Perhaps it is normal in this ward… I don’t know the death rate of patients in PGH. Maybe they didn’t want to scare us… we looked so young compared to the interns and medical clerks and everyone else surrounding us.

Eventually the woman stopped crying, and a nurse appeared to detach the stuff hooked up to the patient. White dividers were placed around the bed, and the nurse did her work like she’s done it a hundred times before. Maybe she has.

I didn’t even find out her name.

I don’t know why, but that seems important.

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I was nothing but a spectator to this death, which may have been normal to the veterans of PGH yet has changed the life of the woman crying because of her. I know I’m just a first year student. I know I couldn’t have done anything to help.

Yet I still hate myself for not being able to do anything.

I don’t ever want to feel this again. I don’t ever want to watch a life snuff out right before my eyes like this again, with the world having to quickly return to normal.

But I know I’ll feel this again, I’ll feel this a thousand times even as I become more learned and understand more the medical explanations behind each death, each life-threatening disease. I think my heart will still break with every death I witness, and my world will be thrust into darkness and I’ll struggle to break free so I can try again to make a better myself to try and prevent any more of this. The cycle will go on and on and on and eventually death will become familiar to me.

I hate this feeling.

But I’d rather feel it and hate it than feel nothing at all.

***

Would it had been better had I not seen it today?

No, it wouldn’t.

I would be happier, yes, but it’s better to see it now instead of pretending that the path I takes leads to many more situations where nothing more can be done, where lives just flutter away like a butterfly with wings.

I’ve been wearing a blindfold in Intarmed. Sometimes the blindfold slips down and I catch a glimpse of something yet it fixes itself and I can continue my life like nothing had happened.

I feel that right now the blindfold has been yanked off, my eyes seeing exactly what the world has in store for me.

I don’t think I want to find it and put it back over my eyes again.

***

This is for you, Nya :)

Well, and anyone who wants to see my jellyfish stuffed toy with my newly-acquired shrimp stuffed toy :)

The cnidarian and the crustacean (?). )

***

It's a superduck :) )

***

And why do we play with them, subject them to stimuli that would be considered inhumane had the subjects been like us? )

***

Belated happy birthday Kel-san ^^

And advanced happy birthday to Anne, my fellow legal classmate who’s the only one older than me in the whole of Intarmed.

***

It was a fly’s wing. )

***

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Yay strawberries!!!!

Infinitely more healthy than what I normally eat (cup noodles, fastfood offerings and potato chips)!

***

Sometimes I wish you’d read my blog.

But then I think that it’s better that you don’t (to my knowledge) because you might think I’m obsessed with you and what you think of me.

I’m not.

I just wonder what you’ll think of me, comparing the me expressed with words and the me that interacts with you and making a conclusion as to who I really am.

I wonder which one you’d prefer.

***

One week to go before it's the day again, and I wonder if I'll forget about it with the numerous requirements that threaten to engulf me.

Yet I don't think I can forget, because it may not be tattooed on my skin yet it's made an indelible mark on my soul.





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rewritethepast: (determined)
On Tuesday, I committed school-sanctioned murder.

The murder weapon? Formalin.

My partner-in-crime? Joan.

And death only came to our victim after we forcibly disintegrated its brain and spinal cord (using a probe) and removed most of its skin cells. It tried weakly (unintentionally) to poison us when we cut off its cheeks (where the poison was stored/secreted) but it only got a bit of Joan’s cheek.

I know it’s normal, and it’s for science (and I did learn a lot from the experience), but for some reason I still feel sorry for the frog.

There was so much blood, gushing from the holes we made and falling down on the ground. And even as we skinned it, we saw its heart beat weakly and oh, its body is so cold.

And then it’s the end and we wash up our scalpels and scissors, pouring the diluted formalin in our glass jar and there you go in, frog, and that’s that. No more eleventh hour reprieve, no more last bids for freedom.

And on Tuesday, oh dear Tuesday, it’s your muscles next. (To my knowledge, that is.)

***

Is it sadistic to derive pleasure from causing an animal pain?

Because in some weird bizarre way I enjoyed skinning our frog, enjoyed snipping the fragile threads holding the epithelial skin cells to the muscles, enjoyed seeing its muscles in all their nakedness. (Of course, I did have a cold so I couldn’t smell it – my classmates all complained about the frog’s smell.) And while we relieved our frog of its largest organ, its heart kept beating, reminding us that our specimen was still alive. And I’d feel a pang of guilt for the frog and think and then Ma’am will remind us to continue skinning and I’d pick up the scalpel and scissors again and snip snip snip I go and more of the skin ends up on the board where the frog’s pinned to. (We drove pins through its erm, paws. We all thought of “Crucifixion,” except the hind feet weren’t pinned together but separated.)

I couldn’t really hold the frog while it was alive (alive and not paralyzed), but it seemed normal (and even natural) to hold it once it stopped being able to move.

Its muscles are fascinating. They were slippery and dark red and cold to the touch and when we removed the skin we tried not to cut them (and I think we succeeded, to a point). I kept thinking to myself, I’m holding a naked muscle (not encased by skin) that isn’t cooked in my hand, a muscle still attached to a living organism. It’s fascinating, from its surprisingly tough dark skin (hard to cut even with the sharp pairs of scissors included in our dissecting kits) to its very small thumbs (the indicator of whether a frog is male or female – I think ours was male since its thumbs were a bit swollen, but one of my classmates reckons he got a pregnant frog), to its cheeks which secrete a creamy yellow poison to its weakly beating heart. And we’ve only started observing it externally. Do you know how to remove the skin of a frog stuck to its feet? You pull it off like you would a glove (although it needs more pressure).

There’s a psychological thing here, but I’m missing it by a mile.

I wonder how I’ll feel when it’s cat-dissecting time. Wait, I think the cats will be killed before we dissect them. Maybe when it’s shark-dissecting time.

***

Why is it that nothing goes right?

Or maybe everything’s just wrong.

Same banana.

Or maybe not.

***

I blush when I think of it, although I think I shouldn’t.

But it’s like an entirely new feeling now, blushing like this. It’s not because of embarrassment, nor is it because I feel sick, but…

Maybe, just maybe, I’m feeling something for someone I haven’t known for a long time now.

Or maybe I’m still sick.

***

You know those times when you just want to curl up and sleep but you can’t because propriety demands you stay awake?

Danged propriety.

***

I’m still sick and I know I’m not getting better.

And you know something? It’s all your fault.


***

I honestly think life should have save points. You know, those areas in role-playing video games where one can save before embarking on a new adventure or continuing one. Imagine saving before tests, before confessing, before mouthing off to a teacher… Then you can reset to the last saved part of your life if you don’t like the results.

Then again, I’d probably end up saving every three minutes or so. So I’ll just hover around the save areas for the rest of my life. Donk.

***

I have a new friend. She’s (I think she’s female) terribly light and rather brittle, and she can accompany me to school in my backpack. I’m terribly interested in her (at least I need to be interested) and I know I’ll learn a lot from her.

And she only cost 60 pesos (thank you UP Manila for the price cut)! Hee, it’s weird having a frog skeleton on your bed.

***

Many people tell me to not listen to her, but it's like a knife in one's heart when she reminds you that you're not like other people, that you're not biologically perfect like them.

I shouldn't listen.

But I'm required to.

***

The Math Long Test I had earlier killed me.

But at least there were no swimming cockroaches (although when we left the campus Joan and Joanne encountered a lot of them on the street) nor rain (it rained the day before) nor denial of the right to use calculators.

Or something like that.

And now it's time to study for my two departmental exams tomorrow. Donk.

***

Belated happy birthday Nya :)

***

It’s you I still dream about.

And it’s you that keeps me wanting not to wake up anymore.
rewritethepast: (resignation)
The Pros and Cons of Wearing Something other than Sandals and Sneakers )

***

There isn't a swear word invented that can fully express my ultimate hate for Math 17. )

***

Maybe I just don't want them to end up like me. )

***

I promised I’d post the erm, reason for my leaving early (Homecoming), or actually, what the hell I did instead of watch my classmates and teacher win UNILAB prizes, but Math et al. has eaten my brain again. (Actually it’s been shut down without warning too many times this week; ctrl + alt + del doesn’t work anymore. My brain needs a reformat. Badly.) Maybe next entry. Besides, it deserves an entry of its own.

***

Lots of us are feeling poorly due to our Math test and the environmental/physical/mental/emotional factors involved in taking it. Get well Joanne, Cybill, Poch (haha, talaga ba may sakit ka?), etc. (Oo nga no, puro pala Block 13 ang natamaan.) Yeesh. We need a break from Math 17. (Actually we need a break from Mr. Math.)

I mean, I’m not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to Math but this was a hard test. I swear, guys, the tests here in Manila are harder. This test, I think, is a sure fail for me. As in cinco o quatro fail. And if our Intarmed Math God and Goddess are unsure of their performance in the test (and I’m sure a lot of people know who they are, have known them for a while even), then what more of us mere mortals? (And I don’t think I’m a mortal anymore, I’m just a erm… degenerate species? Hahahahaha.)

Bah. Stupid long questions. And Mr. Math cannot multiply. If he ruled the world, 1 times 1 would be equal to 2. Donk.

I am anticipating the day of evaluation of Mr. Math with sadistic glee. If it happens tomorrow…

***

Contest, ended :) )

***

Titilated yet? Yeah right. )

***

I’m seeing someone I shouldn’t be seeing here. I thought it was a fluke the first time, a coincidence the second, but I was shell-shocked at the third as now I know his supposed course here (since he was with his blockmates and I know that block’s course).

Talk about those coincidences that you wish would never happen to you.

I’m still praying it’s a mistake. Please make it a mistake.

Gaaaaaaaaaah. More stress.

***

Wake me up
when September ends...

- Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day

Then again, if September ends, finals will follow in October. Wala bang pass hanggang November? >_<

***

And to all you Katipunan people out there, we might just see you really soon :)
rewritethepast: (resignation)
Exactly one year ago, I was a wreck. It was the day before I took my UPCAT, and I certainly didn't want to do anything other than curl up and die, for various reasons (physical, mental, emotional). I was dead sure that I wouldn't pass the UPCAT because of so many reasons but the most important being that he had told me the day before that I sucked in Physics. Granted, I do suck at it but it's probably not the nicest thing to say right before the UPCAT. Not to mention the importance of the person who said it to me. Not to mention the first class (double period, mind you) I'd have on Monday would be the indomitable STR taught by the equally indomitable Ma'am Y. who would surely bash and wreck our STR proposal to the point of no return and likewise play that sadistic game with our brains and emotions that would make me want to run and cry and sleep in Math if not for my equally indomitable yet infinitely kinder Ma'am S.

Well... )

***

Recap of the Week, tabulated:
1. Kim, ang galing mo :) Intarmed has been avenged (sa Mindbreakers)!
2. I am traumatized by JF twirling Bean around in his arms... (note that Bean is a guy)
3. I realized how sensitive I am to sound (and the colors I see because of it) yet again when my classmates made a din while reviewing for PE's written exam. I honestly couldn't see anything in there other than multiple colors washing over each other (and obviously not my handwritten notes), so I left the room and studied in the corridor with Danni.
4. I had only one KOM class this week, and it was already too much, dangit!!!!
5. The only arcade game I'm good at is one that doesn't give any tickets :(
6. BTIC is good :) Cherry Marble = love.
7. I was told something that would have broken my heart a few weeks ago but now is more of a relief. Good job, self.
8. I am writing something that seems to be related to a certain first year piece. Although now, instead of it being set in English class, it's set in a class wherein I contemplate the number of times my teacher goes piyok every 20 minutes in it.
9. Intarmed debates in Philo = painful throbbing in head. My notes = gibberish.
10. Ardynne scares me. A lot. I thought I was getting used to him, but what he did (to me) on Thursday is very traumatic and nightmare-rendering. Then again, I think anyone would be traumatized by what he did.

***

Speaking of looking back, I had a dream on Thursday. (Okay, a nightmare.) Guess what was the Star?

STR. Specifically, there being an oral defense the next day and me not having anything of our final paper nor visuals. >_< As in zero. Zilch. As in wala nga Intro. Lalo pa results. And my STR groupmates nowhere to be seen (but this is usual).

Damnit. I got a 1.75 already as my final grade, dangit (sorry po, mataas na ito talaga sa akin dahil Ma'am Y. kami)! Make STR stop being my fear already!

You know, we have this yahoo group for STR. Up to now, I still dread opening my email because I keep thinking "Oh shoot, baka may email nanaman si Ma'am Y." Then I hit myself on the head because I remember that I'm in college now. No more Pisay STR to haunt me.

When will it stop, though?

Maybe when I finish Med School. Haha.
rewritethepast: (hmm)
I thought that I'd escape seeing frat rumbles - or at least see less of them since there's less space there to actually have a frat rumble - since I chose to go to UP Manila.

They don't have rumbles at UP, they have it at Robinsons' Place Ermita. >.< When lots of Pisay people were off shopping for Cris' gift I went off to mail something via LBC and right in the middle of the mall, there was this rumble/chase/etc. happening. It was really disquieting especially since apparently they had come in from the other side of the mall.

Actually, I don't even think they were UP students. Why?

They had the typical high school male uniforms. >_< Maybe it's a frat at their high school...

No, they didn't actually land that much punches on each other. They just ran and ran and pulled clothes and stuff. Then the police came running after them and they ran off into the streets.

If I had gotten there around 2 minutes earlier I would have probably gotten hit by the running men, so I'm glad that I got there late for once. :)

[Edit: No, the guys are probably not from MaSci.]

***

Tests, tests, and soon to come tests... )

***

Too bad dropping a subject equals leaving Intarmed. )

***

I want to go to the Camia outing on Wednesday but I have classes then :(

***

Apparently I am not as introverted as I perceive myself to be.

However, I'm still more introverted than most everyone in Intarmed. >.<

***

This is the first time I've been blackmailed in my whole life. At least, as far back as I can remember. )

***

Again, sorry for the last entry if I offended anyone. Honestly, I believe that my verbosity only gets me into trouble. See first year, where my little piece about love in a dark classroom made me infamous - and known by a lot of people who probably shouldn't have known me for anything other than that.

***

(Sort of inspired by Kel's posting a word problem)

I was answering a problem in Math 17 in advance (since I was getting bored of how my teacher insists on adding say constant c to both sides when you can just transpose). I don't like Math as a rule (sorry Jman, Pauline, and Vinni =P), but I was amused by this question. I've never seen anything like it before. (Apparently neither has my seatmate fron Xavier, since he watched me solve it with amusement.)

The question plus the supposed solution )

***

Because I posted the aforementioned essay I wrote in first year, Trebor read it for the first time. Because of this, on Wednesday all the Pisay-Dil Intarmed people (except Joanne) decided to devote minutes to figuring out who he is based on my paltry clues.

Noooo it's doomed to be found out considering their intelligence!!! Especially Ardynne's intelligence!!! Doomed, I tell you, doomed!!!

And Trebor didn't like noticed my skirt that day. Actually he said "mataruch skirt mo!" and "mataray skirt mo!" Wearing boots with it didn't seem to help the image... (Trebor, Joan, etc. = gothy, "I am superior to you, don't dare talk to me.")

I should post pictures of said skirt, but I have no digicam. >_< Maybe when I wear it again in UP Manila... but I need a cameraperson...

[/edit] Trebor is not evil :) :) :) Bagay raw yung skirt ko sa akin :) :)

***

I don't know how I'm surviving without hearing your name from anyone's lips.

And when you get mentioned, it's all I can do to not badger the person with incessant questions.

Thing is, I just want to hear you speak again, and if I can't have that I want to hear about you.

But I can't ask without being obvious, so I'll just not ask at all and hope that you do something outrageous so that even we Pisay people here in Manila will gossip about it. :)
rewritethepast: (sad)
You know, I have no idea what the new "Panunumpa sa Watawat" is. Zero. Zilch.

My ignorance of this was highlighted during the College of Medicine Flag Ceremony two days ago. Luckily, there were copies of it given to us. Still...

***

The Oblation statue here in UP Manila seems to be tilted. I'm wondering if the tilt is intentional or maybe we have our own manifestation of what's happening with the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

***

We used our knowledge of First Aid from Health to lift people during NSTP! ;)

"Hey, hey, are you ok?"

***

I have to read this Filipino short story for Kom 1. As of now, I've read it three times and all I understand is that there's a carabao in it. And the carabao's name is Paparo.

Forget my scientific calculator being my best friend, I've just exchanged it for the UP Diksyonaryong Filipino.

***

I'm starting to understand why Monch copied everything the teacher (and everyone else) said during 1st and 2nd year.

Sometimes copying what my teachers and uber-intelligent classmates say keeps me more focused on the lesson. This applies to everything but Math 17 since everything my teacher says is found in the book.

Not to mention the things that come out of their mouths are hilarious sometimes.

***

I've found the perfect role model for me here in UP Manila, and he's also in the Intarmed program. He's super-intelligent and well... ok, he's brilliant. Period.

Having Inzo-sama as my role model in Pisay played a big hand in my getting high honors. Let's see if it still works in this whole new environment, this business of having role models.

***

Apparently there are people who don't like Intarmed Batch 2013 (which is my batch).

Ah well. The fact that they're feeling such an emotion towards us, rather, wasting such an emotion on us when it could be channeled in a more positive manner...

It's their choice. I know it's been my choice to be mad at certain people in my life.

I just don't like it when other people from my batch get hurt.

***

I was walking down Pedro Gil with Dingdong and Joan when this lady gave me this flyer:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Oh yes. I really need one of these. I mean, my hair may not be as healthy as I'd wish it to be, but it's definitely 100% straight.

*tonk*

***

Why do I always get paired with people who are happily taken/aren't looking/have questionable genders?

And no, I don't have a crush on the guys I hang out with a lot.

While there are a lot of brilliant guys (actually, all of them are brilliant in their own infuriatingly brilliant ways) here in UP Manila - Intarmed...

My silly heart can't forget a guy in Diliman.

Chikuso. I know it's wrong, but I still can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop dreaming of him. I can't stop caring about him.

I...

*I'm almost willing to spill the beans about who he is just for information about him nowadays. Maybe if I hear about him again and his many antics that just serve to highlight all his imperfections I'll stop feeling this.

Or maybe I'll be able to force myself to stop, at least.

[Note on *: This only works if I know you actually see him every day or even twice a week.]

***

And before I forget, happy birthday Pauline-san ;)
rewritethepast: (Anna)
I think the first years now are weird.

Ok, I'll explain.

It was Graviton's PE time (last week). I was, as usual, sitting and basically doing nothing. This first year comes up to me and shows me a sign with "Lucky Charms are on the 13th floor."

What 13th floor? Lucky Charms? The cereal?

So I nod and the kid walks around the track oval backwards. Yes, backwards. Twice.

And then he comes to me again and shows the sign. Nothing's changed, and I still don't know where the 13th floor is.

I nod, and he leaves. Walking backwards. Again.

I swear, the kids today are finding crack more easily now.

***

Considering I slept in the middle of the Chem LT last Friday, I'm glad I scraped a 43/50. It's a far cry from Wilson-san and Neil-san, but ah well. It's a start.

***

Yearbook Committee Task: Get the full names of all the faculty and staff members by unit.

Okay. Toddle toddle off to the Personnel and CISD offices.

Why are there no first names on the lists they give????

Gah. Now I have to visit all the units and ask for the first names of people.

Meep. And I still don't have candid pictures of myself.

***

I can't look at him this week without laughing.

For some reason, his hair sucks this week.
rewritethepast: (neopet petpet)
I guess the first thing I write here is that I got poisoned by naphtalene. Barfed eleven times because I smelled it.

Yay. More stuff for my allergies list. Never again. Almost missed Physics + Econ perio because of it. Even Ma'am Yazon was worried about me for a while. She said that I wasn't smiling much.

Haha. I guess it's good that the director is worried about me. Yay.

*******

My roommate and I got driven crazy last weekend (yes, the weekend when we were supposed to be studying for perio) trying to remember how "Papercut" by Linkin Park was sung. Hahaha. Then we asked people and they didn't know either. Hahaha. I asked Don-kun when we did STR Sunday but I didn't hear him that well since the spectrophotometer hated us for a while. Wednesday I found my old album and played it until my cd player died.

Shoot. I don't want to remember the times I went through when I listened to that.

*******

Someone told me Friday to go to Seniors' Night. Then he didn't come. Damn.

His loss. I think. I think he ended up playing DOTA though. Drat.

*******

I learned a lot of things during Seniors' Night.

I learned that a lot of people want their handwriting analyzed.

I learned that Sir Vlad is insane. ^_^

I learned that I know what Julia-san's smile looks like. (Too bad I couldn't join the contest. Can't indian-sit.)

I learned that my family situation sucks compared to other people.

Ah well.
More on the night I slept in Gluon zone )

***

So he said hi. And I said hi.

Is this the start of a beautiful friendship? More like he probably wondered why my face turned deathly pale when I saw him.

Damn my naphtalene allergies. And damn his smelling like it right when I saw him.

Shoot, I wonder what he thought of that.

I can't believe he didn't know I was a dormer. Shoot.

***

For some reason, this amuses me.

Guess that Friend

***
I made a color bar!! I suck at photoshop, but I was able to make one! ^_^


Ruby Camia Potassium Graviton Pisay sections is love.


Now if I could only make one for each section... ^_^;

***

Intrams this week. I think I'll just hide under the pillows and watch Advent Children again and again until I have to return it to Wilson-san. Hahaha. I'd probably get hit by a volleyball again, just like in all the other intrams I've reluctantly attended.
rewritethepast: (resignation)
Physics sucks. I'm no super brain like Neil-san, but I thought I understood most of the lesson.

Damn that reality check (aka Physics long test).

Nico-san kept singing throughout the period in the front lobby (while we took the test in the Physics room). I'd blame my (inevitable) low grade on such, but his singing actually made me focus a little more on my test.

Not that anything will be salvagable from that test anyway. At least our motor thing worked (thanks to IE-san and Anna-san).

Ganyan na pala ako kasama, Inferno style... )

I feel really sick now, contemplating my Physics grade. Maybe I won't be able to go to school tomorrow.
rewritethepast: (neopet petpet)
The scanner hates me. It's making weird sounds.

Ah, I forgot to connect it to the computer. Stupid Raine.

***

ACET tomorrow.

I don't think I'll ever be ready for it. >_<

***

On Tuesday a chair fell on me. Yay. I now have a huge unattractive bruise on my leg. Very seductive. All because of English.

Let's hope my parents don't see it so that I won't get buzzkilled (rather, killed with razors).

***

Physics Lab Report sucks. Didn't sleep one hour because of it. Died in the Chem LT because of it. Had to copy someone's math hw because of it. Not to mention the layout's anal.

Who the hell cares if it's the format of a scientific journal? I doubt any learned scientist would want to read about scattering iron filings on a piece of cardboard.

The teacher who devised that format has problems.

***

I shouldn't hate STR. My groupmates are great, the topic is great, and I'm getting too attached to our tetrahymena cultures.

Sadly, I still hate STR. Maybe it's because nothing will please my teacher, or that she insists that we report on nonexistent results on Monday, or she always goes off somewhere when anyone from our class feels like consulting her.

Or something like that.

***

Am getting attached to the tetrahymena. Must desist. They'll only have enough nutrients for a month. I'll have to kill them in a month. Who knows how much of magnetic field exposure can they take before dying (our proposal)?

Damn.

***

Someone watched porn right in front of me in AdProg. On my computer.

Damn. I'm staying next to Jean-san now. And forever.

I feel the need to bathe myself in alcohol. Or something.

And no, Marx-san, I don't ever want to know the pleasures of such things.

***

He's super cute. ^_^ And he's brilliant.

And I think I'm allergic to one of his classmates' perfume. >_<

Damn.
rewritethepast: (poor grundo)
"Manalo, matalo, DOTA parin!"
- from Truth people

My sentiments exactly. DOTA is love addiction. I should have played it at SM North while waiting for Wilson-san to finish playing Ragna, but none of the others wanted to play. >_< Meanies.

***

I have not done anything since getting home but (in no particular order) collapse on the bed, sleep, or stumble blindly to the bathroom. Wait, I went to Mass a while ago. Still. My muscles are threatening to disown me. Again. >_< And I think my foot is sprained. Damn.

***

I still have no idea if I have a failing grade or not. Two weeks back some people were saying that I was one of the five in Graviton that didn't have a failing mark, but others said (quite vocally and sort of snottily) that I had a failing mark. >_< Then yesterday suddenly people accost me and say "Wala kang bagsak?" I don't know what I should feel about all this.

This is why one should just visit one's friendly section adviser and ask to see her grades. Period.
rewritethepast: (Anna)
To everyone else: Good luck sa UPCAT. Ganbatte! ^_^

***

Drunk at 3:48 pm in the afternoon. Self, you are absolutely pathetic.

Thank you, self. Thank you very much. Thank god I still have a few hours to sober up before UPCAT. And at least I can type correctly even while drunk.

Econ Perio ate my brain. The triple E's in Math Perio fried me. And English... who gives a damn as to who was the hundred-eye watchman?

Obviously, I'll fail something this quarter. And it's got Econ written all over it.

Although STR is a not so distant contender...

I can't get energized about anything. I keep thinking of STR, of UPCAT, of tomorrow being the single most important day in my high school life as it will determine my near future...

And I sleep. I goddamn sleep.

I miss my brother too much. I don't think I was fun at all at the Pota party because all I could think of was my brother, and how I'll never see him again for the next years to come. I know that he needs to get an MBA and all, but I miss him.

It's stupid, and it won't explain my drunkeness to my parents, who'll probably skin me alive for doing so.

But I'm the black sheep in the family, and I guess it'll always stay that way right? After all, it's their fault why I'm Rh-negative, like 15% of the world. >_<

And he broke my heart yesterday. And the day before. And all the days before that.

No wonder I couldn't comphrehend anything in Econ.

***

If I wasn't sure that I was in love with him, I'm definitely sure now.

Because even if he defames me, or tells me I'm stupid, or laughs at me I still love him. Even if I see him do drugs or skip class or other hardcore things that I've done that I hope no one else will be as stupid as me to do, I still love him. Even if he tells me that I suck at Physics I'd still give up everything in my life for him.

What's the point of life anymore?

Damn you, third year. Why'd I have to fall in love then?

January 2008

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