Incandescence

You know you need a break from life in general when you wake up in the morning, take a bath, and suddenly realize that you're about to put deodorant on your toothpaste.

Not like I can take one anytime soon, though.

***

( The length of my lj entries is inversely proportional to the frequency of my posting them. )

***

Congratulations to Kim and Miggy for winning the Qwizardy (sp?) contest!

And a note to all of us: Starbucks was not founded by Mr. Star or Mr. Bucks. Just like the Johari window was not conceptualized by Mr. Johari.

***

( Donk moment of the... wait, I think I have too many donk moments, period. )

***

( Do you remember the day we cut class because we saw a hamster at the front lobby? )

***

[I’m really sorry this is late, Vinni-san; writing (rather, attempting to write) about hydrates and oxy-red reactions used up all my words.]

( To my friend the demon warrior who beheaded me, hee. )

***

( And the Coke and the beer stay untouched side by side, blending into the table and into the shadows and disappear from my sight. )

***

Sometimes love has to take a backseat to everything else, you know.

That time is now, but it won’t be for evermore.

Although it is nice to think that my last cry was induced not by angst but by prolonged aerial exposure to formalin.

But I can’t keep on running away forever, and I’m just waiting for the time when my path runs out and I slam into a brick wall.

***

And you try again, and I am reminded why I hate instant messengers. Honestly, the first time I use it in a long time (for schoolwork, no less) and you put me off it again with your deceiving messages sent at the wrong time and the wrong place. Then again, every time is the wrong time and everywhere we’re not face-to-face is the wrong place.

Am I cruel for not replying? I guess I am. Propriety demands that I at least reply to your message, no matter how distasteful, without feeling, and how fake it is. Then I remember what happened the last time (and please make it the last time) I followed propriety and I think I made the right decision.

Your words, I’ve heard them before. Tell me something new this time, or at least change the words. I’m sure you’re competent enough to check an online thesaurus.

I repeat, I repeat, and I repeat myself again: I’m not that kind. I’m not that naïve. I’m not that trusting anymore. If you’re going to try at all, put some more effort in it at least. And I'm not about to jeopardize my chance at contentment just to give you 'peace of mind.'

***

Okay. In light of it being Martin Luther King Day two weeks ago, I found out that Mr. King was murdered in Lorraine Hotel. (Thankfully it has been demolished.)

My birthname becomes more and more auspicious. *rolls eyes*

***

( Nevertheless, I am still trying to be happy now. )

***

Poison makes me sleepy.

I stay in the back, though, so I can sleep to my heart’s content. (Unless there’s a test, of course.) Sleep or write in my planner or even do the Math module. >_<

Of course, poison sometimes weakens with time. Other times, it gets stronger, somehow evolves into a more destructive and virulent form of itself, because it was left to survive how many years.

In our case… it’s probably the latter.

***
( Imagine a perfectly healthy frog, valiantly trying to hop away into the wilderness that is UP Manila, being held down by three or four girls with a male skinning its hind leg. )

"You're sick," he says plainly and it's funny how the words my mother told me yesterday have such a different meaning when its his voice proclaiming them here where both of us are alone, no one else the wiser that we are meeting here. It's an echo, maybe, it's echoing in my mind and soothing the pain deep inside a little. Maybe I'm the only one who hears differently, my brain functioning hazily because of the growing pain I feel and the emotions that flutter around me - reminding him of what he is, what he was and still is to me.

I look at him disbelievingly, yet my cold hand grazes my forehead in a futile attempt to quiet the pounding deep inside it. "But I need to go to school later! I have to go to Ward 1 and IPC later to submit my genograph/gram!"

He looks at me imperiously, those brown eyes of his flickering to the hand on my forehead. "Forget it. You're sick, Lorraine. Go to bed already."

And I keep my hand pressed to my forehead, trying to ignore the overwhelming weakness in my muscles and the pain in my chest, my head, my stomach, my arms, my heart.

***

What a perfect New Year. I am downed by my old nemesis which killed me around mid-January, making me attend only Physics on a Monday (I think). Perfect. Just a little early. Complete with all the hazy hallucinations and waking dreams.

Oh fudgemuffins, make the pain stop. It hurts too much; I can't even walk anymore. Even typing this is a pain.

My mom says this is probably the flu. Fudgemuffins.

Good day, and I hope your new year is much better than mine.

It's been more than a week and I come back to find my lj world turned upside down. So many quizzes/memes (like that Tarot Cart quiz which was uber-popular), so many outpourings from peoples' minds to read, to absorb, to try to understand. Sometimes I come away from an entry nodding my head, it's like someone stole the words right out of my head. Other times I end up shaking my head, lost at the prose my friend has written. Have I really been away so long? I don't think so. Maybe the world, this world with all my lj friends is moving too fast, and how can a simple child like me understand it using the middle as the start and the beginning as the end? It's not natural.

It's like I'm trapped in a time warp, thinking and dreaming and thinking and dreaming the same thoughts and the same dreams over and over again, and my lj friends' entries are the only things that prove to me that this time warp exists only for me.

It's been a hard week. Hard is actually too vague even for my tastes. It was exhausting, draining, and all my resources (financial, mental, physical, humoral, emotional, and otherwise) are gone, depleted, flushed down the toilet bowl. And with all these that happen, everything is magnified and made so much worse in the dreams that visit me while my head rests on my faithful cotton-covered pillow. Vivid images come in the night, sweet and gruesome come together in the Sandman's visit and I wake up disoriented, my heart pounding, my breathing forced. And these images stay embedded on my eyelids for all of the new day, and whether I'm closing my eyes in tiredness in Chem lab or blinking in dismay in Kom III I see them, just an eyelid away.

And I am undone again, again and again and again.

While my chosen overloaded life full of stairs and blue books is very stressful, it's never stopped me from posting before. Even now I could have typed something earlier but...

It's hard to just sit down and type, type, type. I feel like someone's looking over my shoulder as I press my fingers on the keyboard keys in a seemingly random manner, and I keep looking over my right shoulder to see if anyone's staring at me from my bed. I'm normally not a paranoid person, but...

Right now, I am one.

***

I missed some memes. Bah. Let's place them here and I dunno, keep them presented here forever for posterity. Donk.

( The Tarot Card thing. )

Hmmm, interesting. And I've always liked this card :)

Not to mention that no one else's gotten this result yet :)

ganked from most everyone on my friendslist :)

01. Pick your birth month.
02. Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
03. Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.
04. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under an LJ-cut

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. (At sa marami pang parte ng katawan.) Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

( The other months. )

Puro strikethrough ata 'to ah. >_< Mas malapit pa nga yung sa mga ibang month eh. :(

Wala pa atang gumagawa ng April eh :)

***

Let me just say what many people have said already:

Vitriol is a poison.

It's a very bad poison that disfigured Two Face (of DC comics). "Vitriol" throwing is very common in certain detective/mystery novels of a certain era.

No matter what form it is, I don't like it. It is commonly known now as sulfuric acid.

And to end my little educational lesson, I shall share this rhyme from the US:
Little Johnny took a drink, but he shall drink no more.
For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

(Mostly taken from here.)

***

It's funny. UP is known for freedom and all that, especially regarding what it teaches its students. (I refer to you PanPil people who had to bring porn to class especially, our Kom I class which had many "descriptive passages", and my Humanidades 1 class which makes us very familiar with gay/lesbian lit.)

Let me share the funniest bit of censorship Intarmed 2013 (and some non-block people) encountered yesterday.

We had to watch Pocahontas 2 for SocSci 1 yesterday. Our teacher didn't show up, but we still watched the movie. (And I have no idea why we watched Pocahontas 2 first instead of Pocahontas 1. Maybe the first one is more important. Anyway we'll watch the first next Tuesday.)

( I will reveal the ending of Pocahontas 2. Gasp. And the censorship. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled. )

***

Belated happy birthday Jman-san :)

***

I said earlier that my life seems to be trapped in a time warp.

Apparently my phone came along for the ride. >_<

***

(Thank you Wikipedia for the pictures.)

Okay, this is for someone who asked me:

This is Igglybuff, the preevolution of Jigglypuff.


This is Cleffa, the preevolution of Clefairy.

Both are pink baby pokemon. Both are normal type.

And they're both cute, I think :)

***

Do you guys remember the pass the message part of the Pisay 4th year retreat?

We did something like that for Kom III. First, the class was divided into three groups. There was a story (yes, a story, not just a statement) given to two people of each group. Since the story was in English, they would have to translate it and one of them would give the pertinent details (translated) to the next person in the group. And that person would pass it on and so on until it reaches the last person in the group. The last person would tell the story to the class.

For posterity's sake, I shall place the pertinent details of the story: (Please correct me if I missed something/typed something wrong.) // (Thanks Joan-san :))
"Marahil na alam ninyo ang tungkol sa kultong Dakobor. Itong kulto ay galing sa Russia ngunit pumunta itong Kanlurang Canada sa katapusan ng 17th siglo. Itong kulto ay kontrobersyal sapagkat sa tagsibol ay hinuhubad nila ang kanilang mga

Isang maaaliwalas na araw ng tagsibol, may isang batang pumuntang palengke na hubad. Nakita ng isang pulis ang batang iyon at gusto niya itong hulihin. Hinabol ng pulis ang bata ngunit hindi niya ito maabutan. Naisipan ng pulis na tanggalin ang kanyang dyaket (at t-shirt) ngunit nung ginawa niya ito ay hindi niya pa rin mahuli yung bata. Naisipan naman niya tanggalin ang kanyang sapatos ngunit wala rin itong napala. Tinanggal rin niya ang kanyang pantalon ngunit hindi pa rin niya nahuli ang bata kaya tinanggal na niya rin ang iba pa niyang panamit. Nahuli niya rin ang bata pagkatapos ngunit lahat ng manonood ay hindi alam kung sino yung pulis at sino yung bata."

Yes, I know the story is weird. I guess the policeman (or policewoman) must be inordinately small or the child must be inordinately tall for this to happen. Or something.

Now this is a very complicated story but passing it became horror because my groupmate accidentally changed the cult's name (Dakobor) to Baccara/Bakara/Bacarra. Donk.

Still, it was fun. Baccara. Gah. That name (and Dakobor) will forever be embedded in my mind.

***

I've been asking this of a lot of Intarmed students since we got the assignment to search for the lyrics of Colors of the Wind (from Pocahontas).

What the heck is a "blue corn moon?" Is it a blue moon made of corn? Or is it a blue moon that comes during the corn's harvest time?

Or is my trying to find logic (and astronomical continuity) in a children's song futile? XP

***

Pauline-san, was the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade cool? I heard they had a new Pikachu balloon :)

***

I'd like to type more but I think this is long enough for now.

I just hope that with the two days of rest that follow, I can visit dreamland without you, you with that mocking face of yours, walking beside me.

I haven't posted in a week. >_< I've sunk to new lows. Still now, I'm not finished with a lot of things I need to do. Ah well. I've been thinking too much again. I wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes. But with my luck, I'd probably just forget to turn it on again. >_<

Note: Different people were involved in all parts of the story. Well, actually the people in the first two parts are the same, but they are different distinct people compared to those in the third and fourth part.

Intro: This is a true story, yet some details are omitted or made unclear for the safety of certain people, most of all me. :) This story is more understandable if you've actually been reading my lj for at least eight months (basically, while I was in Pisay). (Haha, that's long.) Still, I tried to make it reference-free for those who aren't used to my writing style yet.

And you know, I'm still not done with you, Homecoming. There's still another story to write, which will probably appear after my 3rd Departmental Exam in Math on Thursday. :)

( An Alumni Homecoming Story in Four Parts )

Note (added September 12, 2006): Obviously the person referred to in Parts 1 and 2 is not the same as the person referred to in Parts 3 and 4. Or if they are, I think I may have written a mistake in somewhere. *donk* I believe the person's identity in Parts 3 and 4 is obvious due to a number of key statements. However, it's the person's identity in Parts 1 and 2 that's the same as number 51 in my second contest :)

***

I'm glad I saw Jhud-san and Jar-san at Homecoming :) Although I was shocked by their physical appearance at first. Arvin-san also looks different. Ok, a lot of guys basically got hairier. >_< (As compared to Intarmed males who visit the barber at least once a month?) Still nice to see known people other than those in Intarmed again that are in my age range. :)

I'm glad I got to see a lot of people, although most of them were Lithium. (This was inevitable because apparently they were all attracted - by some sort of chemical/magnetic bond- to the Lithium Intarmed people.) I'm glad I got to see my anime-loving buddies too :)

Hmmm. I got accused of having footbinding done on my feet a lot that night (the lily feet). O.o I know I'm Chinese, but we're not that traditional... And I think my feet are normal sized (if not large)?... 7 and 1/2 to 7 to 6 and 1/2 (for kids)... of course if I chop my toes off like they did in China back then I'd probably lose the 1/2...

Actually, my feet look small compared to my brothers'. One has a 10 shoe size while the other has a 12 shoe size. >_<

I think the shoes I was wearing during homecoming just did a good job of shrinking my feet, that's all. :)

***

( Contest :) Clue added to no. 20 :) )

Right now, Vinni-san's still leading :)

***

I fell up the stairs last Friday :( (And no, that's not a mistake. I really did fall "up" the stairs as opposed to "down". I fell on a higher step from whence I came. Only happens to me.) I now have a very unattractive bruise on my left leg, and it's all for nothing since we didn't succeed. >_<

Why oh why must we not succeed in walking out of Kom??? (Success Rate: 1 in 3 attempts. And we only got the one because we hid in the secret RH area for around 10 minutes.)

***

Please get well soon, my almost name-twin... (or is it name almost-twin? >_<)

***

I finished collecting the Pokemon Advanced Generation Happy Meal Set :) (Note: This is the one created for the release of Movie 8.)

I remember the old days in grade school when I tried to complete old sets... like the 101 Dalmatian set that I did not complete even after it was repeated (because of the live-action film) and the Snoopy set (with 28 different countries) that I did finish... and the old Hot Wheels cars and the little Barbie dolls...

I wonder how many Happy Meals I've bought in this lifetime so far... and how many I'll buy in my lifetime, whether it be for myself or for future spawn (LOL)...

LadyMed 2006 is over, under the carpet, closed, done, done.

Let me just say that my eyes and ears have both contributed to making me mentally scarred for life.

Even my synesthesia could not save me from the scary sights...

Imagine guys wearing bikini tops. >_< And they actually look like they have breasts (I mean... you know what I mean.)!!! >_< It was creepy because during the evening gown competition I saw one of the contestant's fake boobs. >_< Not to mention all the sexual innuendoes... and the gyrations of Fingerella with her surfboard!!! >_< I know I'm 18, I've watched Brokeback Mountain not to mention certain other films with such things but... gah.

Fingerella: All my life I've wanted to get inside a woman's body...

I am seriously wondering if we (Intarmed 2013) will be as insane/perverted as the other batches with a few years below the belt. Maybe UP Med Students = insanity + perversion + intelligence (haha).

I'm happy that our talent portion was really nice though :) The remix of the Beauty and the Beast theme song was cool. :) Although I guess ours was the least sexually suggestive of all of the talent samples... wala pa kaming alam diyan eh. O.o Hahahaha. Tsaka Belle (the character we have) isn't exactly a sex kitten. Then again, all of the Disney Princesses were not sex kittens per se(except Ariel, I guess, with her magical never-getting-destroyed shell bra and Jasmine with her belly-baring outfit but still) but after tonight...

I don't think I can watch Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, and Aladdin without thinking perverse thoughts ever again. (Nooooo my childhood days!!!) Wala na. Mulan nalang ang papanoorin ko. Wait, crossdresser naman si Mulan. Nooooooooooooo.

Ok. Lion King na nga lang. (Noooo don't destroy that for meeeeee!!!!)

I'd like to share pictures, but I'm still waiting for someone to post them online.

It's really demoralizing when guys who dress up as girls look prettier than you, btw. :(

Well, I guess I have better hair? Demo, it doesn't count since they all wore wigs.

Ka-batch pala ng ate ko yung nanalo sa LadyMed. :) :) Ang galing nga naman niya sumayaw eh, parang en pointe na siya tapos nagfififth position pa siya pati almost grand jete at pas de deux (pero dalawa yung naglift sa kanya) :) :) Pero nakakatakot ang codename niya, Jenny Thalia. I repeat, med school looks like a long road to perversion.

At least it isn't a boring road :)

***

Life scares me when someone dances holding a sharp implement with the blade exposed.

I believe all those at a certain place at a certain time last week will agree with me on this.

From this alone it is assured that Intarmed life is going to be a series of heart attacks, day by day, week by week, and as the years fly by.

Ah well, at least it won't be boring.

***

( Reflection on something. )

***

( Who said coincidence doesn't exist? )

***

You're making me smile when I shouldn't be.

I should be scared of you, but you're too damn nice.

Thanks. :)

***

Tomorrow = Math Dept. Exam No. 2.

Please do not let me fail the honor of Pisay students everywhere (or everyone's expectations of us).

I've already failed it enough. :(

***

This is cheery. According to the program I got from watching "Walang Himala" (a play about Edsa 1 and what it has done for us) Sunday, this is my fortune (rather, kapalaran). (In fairness, may horoscope ang program.)

Aries:
Nung mapatalsik si Marcos, nagpabuntis ka sa boyfriend mo dahil tingin mo aayos ang Pilipinas. Nang mapatalsik si Erap, nagpabuntis ka uli sa boyfriend mo dahil akala mo aayos na ang Pilipinas. Ngayon galit mga anak mo sa iyo kasi bakit mo raw sila ipinganak gayong ang hirap ng buhay sa Pilipinas.

Is it even possible to be pregnant when you're not even conceived yet? (Since I was probably conceived in 1987, and Edsa was in 1986.) And I was only grade 6 when Erap was offed! >_<

I think I would have demanded marriage if I had gotten pregnant or something, though. O.o Or gotten married first. Haha.

( The rest of the cheery stuff. )

I think Capricorn got the best fortune. At least they'll meet their true love. Then they'll kill each other. Still. Better than the rest. >_<

***

Here we go again, with all these leaves and flowers whirling around us. It's like first year all over again, except we're not under the yellow and pink flowered trees anymore.

And even if there's a whole lot of cement separating us, there's still a place where no one can stop our meeting, stop our looking at each other under the starry night sky.

At least we don't have to run from the Pisay goats anymore :) They did attack John Mar's plastic in first year. =P

As today is supposedly Livejournal Fake Day (or at least what's left of it, anyway) I shall make up a lie.

(And no, that's not the lie. But am I lying now? Brain sprain, darlings.) Let me call on the literal meaning of my username and say this: What if? (I repeat, this is just speculation. There are many lies in this work because of the nature of the date.)

And obviously, this is somewhat based on what happened here, here, and here. (Except those are 95%-100% true.)

( Let the lies begin, and there we go. )

( The truths and the lies in the story, enumerated to make it simple. )

Ahh. Now that that's out of my system, I need to go sleep. Or not.

(I think I suck at this lying thing, because there's still a lot of truth in it - at least the gut emotion in there, not to mention all those little insecurities that burn at you late in the night and make you wish for a sledgehammer. At least it was an attempt at lying. Think of this as writing practice, Raine.)

***

[This is written past 12:00 am, so no more lies. I'm just a lazy person when it comes to changing the time and date of my entries.]

Today, rather, yesterday was interesting. I have discovered that I like Cherry Marble from BTIC. :) And there's a promo, 2 scoops in a waffle cone for 60 pesos. (Pimp.)

Gbox is fun. :) Joan, Dingdong, CJ, Nil, and I played games there and racked up 235 tickets. We claimed 210 for a Sakura keychain. :) It's funny that the kiddie-ish version of basketball shooting gave out more tickets than the hardcore one. >_<

It is suspicious that one of my classmates ate at Sbarro's for lunch. Alone. At Sbarro's. And when he showed up for NatSci, he was wearing a pink shirt as opposed to his earlier white shirt (seen worn at Sbarro's).

Actually, something juicy happened but it is not my place to tell it. Let me just say it involves a wild-goose chase, a Neji keychain, a small pouch bag, and three tired people, one of which is me.

Actually, I'm just too tired now. >_< I'll talk about it on Sunday or later or something.

Telling lies is harder than I thought. Spinning them so that they seem a bit believable is harder. >_< I hope this doesn't happen again next year. (I'll just ignore whatever frankthecomic says.)

***

My KOM teacher wanted us to find GROs for his subject (and for whom, maybe?).

Good job, teach. O.o

***

There is this guy who claims to do scientific palm readings near the Supreme Court. He's sort of like an institution at UP Manila, supposedly.

Normally, when I pass by his erm, sidewalk space, he doesn't have a customer. This Monday and Tuesday his business was brisk (everytime I walked by, he had a customer - I pass his sidewalk space going to GAB, going to get lunch, going for afternoon classes, going home). On Thursday and Friday, he was gone all day. (He did leave his sign and chair though.)

Exactly how do you read a palm scientifically??? (Well, I've read that someone with soft palms is probably a lazy person - like me, I guess, but that can't be all of it.)

***

On Thursday morning, when I walked to GAB there was this little stream of blood on the sidewalk. (Ok, not little. Enough to be creepy.)

On Thursday afternoon, it was still there, and drying.

On Friday morning, it was still there and almost dry.

On Friday afternoon it was pretty much completely dry (and powdery).

I don't really want to know where/whom/what it came from. I know I heard something suspicious on Wednesday night but...

***

I really am tired and will now retreat and watch anime now. Or sleep. Or something.

In my last post, I listed several quotes from my previous lj entries. There was so much angst and happiness and anger and even confusion in one year of typing. It's funny, because all of those quotes seemed unrelated, haphazardly collected yet they make up something inexplicable, unique, and different.

And I'm really happy, since so many people posted and said they liked my writing (in the last entry). :) Getting compliments like these is a new experience for me. :) Really, thanks. :) You all made my day a lot happier. :)

After rereading all my entries I find myself wondering about how I got to this point in time, this place in the world (Intarmed, if you must). Honestly, if you asked me what I wanted to be in grade 7, I would have said that I wanted to be a computer engineer. (Hahahahaha dreams of a Lorraine who didn't know of the horrors of resistors.) Before that, I wanted to be a concert pianist. When I was even younger, I harbored a dream of becoming a ballerina - but then life came by and that was rendered impossible.

It's funny. I had a story published in the Science Scholar in first year. Jean and Inzo-sama both have saved copies of my story. I even autographed my English teacher's copy after she read it. >_< Leo even read it aloud when he got his copy of the newspaper. (Bad Leo. Bad. This was also during an experiment in IS.) I became known because of this story - people from other batches and even teachers approached me and asked who he was. My gosh, even Sir Villavert read it. >_< Every year, whenever I meet my new classmates for the first time, that story will come up and everyone will say who they think he is. Apparently it was very popular.

But I don't have a copy of it. I lost the newspaper where it was printed, lost the final draft, and I have no idea where the computer file is.

Eventually my friend gave me a copy but as we all know, too many things can happen to things written on paper (burning, disintegration, get flushed down the toilet). This is why I will now enshrine it here in my lj, where hopefully no coffee stains nor paper shredders will render it unreadable.

//Warning: I am not responsible for any barfing induced by reading this. I wrote this four years ago. Gawd, I was a sap back then. A verbose sap. It's interesting to see how much my writing style has evolved yet somehow stayed the same. And yes, I am such a passive person. Thank you.

( The infamous story that haunted my whole Pisay stay... (with side comments) )

***

I'm an overly sensitive soul who wasn't so sensitive at one point in time and is now overly so to make up for it.

At least, this is what I told my Intarmed classmate as explanation for my apology.

***

I heard that there is now a carabao at Pisay :) :)

That's it, I want to visit. Soon. Asap. Something.

Not to mention I want to see if it's true that the squatter population living in front of Pisay has diminished greatly since we left.

***

I would like to be an activist but sadly I have a Philo test at the exact same time that I am called to be one.

Hmmm. UP Manila considers me fit to enroll and fit to attend PE under certain conditions. Condition is to have PE with no streneous hip activity. I think I took the longest with the doctor since I had to explain why I marked the yes option on operations. So lalala, life story, four operations, yadda yadda. Doctor was pretty calm, though. At least he didn't ask me what all my doctors are asking me ever since I told them that I'm taking up intarmed:

1) The hospital walls are white. Very white. Can you take that? (I mean, I've spent at least two months bedridden - I know they're white, they're there, and so what. I'll be more disturbed if the white walls were splattered with blood. The walls being white are the least of my problems.)
2) Magiging surgeon ka ba? (Hell no. I'm sick of the profession. Just because I've been under the knife doesn't mean eventually I want to be holding that knife. Besides, there is a huge gender discrimination in that field, and I'm probably not the best specimen to try and overcome it.)

Hey, it's a step up from "not fit to attend PE." I'm just wondering what kind of PE I'll be doing. I mean, I'm not even allowed to play golf or bowling. What more if it's basketball? >_< (And no, I don't think UP Manila has scrabble.)

Hmmm. Forgot about this. UP Manila gives you the option to have rectal/abdominal/genital/breast exams. You can either take one, some, or none. Of course, I didn't take any. :) (Later my sister told me hardly anyone takes any of those exams. Oh yeah.) I think Joanne took one though.

***

I can't stop thinking about you.

I swear, the reason I'm not getting any sleep is because you keep popping up in my dreams.

And lately? You've always got a gun there. You don't shoot it at me.

Not that early in the dream though. You wait.

It's always the same. Wherever we are (and the location keeps changing - once it was the Camia room, the other time it was SM Southmall), it always starts and ends the same.

You walk up to me. You ask me to do something for you.

What's that?

Lorraine, paload nga. You hand me the gun and six bullets. The gun isn't empty. I have to take out the damaged bullets first, then I load the new ones.

You smile, you say thank you. (Rather, salamat.) I walk with you then, and we talk. It's always a different topic every night. One time it was Backstreet Boys, the other time it was the secret ending of Kingdom Hearts 2. Hell, last night it was the ending of the second season of Digimon.

And then we reach a door. The door is always white. You always say her name, then. I always shrug. I turn the doorknob.

Then, you shoot me (and you're not stingy, you use up all the danged bullets I loaded) and that's when I wake up.

Strangely, everytime I wake up I keep smelling blood. It's not the nice blood either, it's blood starting to congeal. Or maybe it's better known as the blood round slaughterhouses.

And no, I don't bite my lip when I sleep. Neither do my pimples pop, nor do I have nosebleeds.

I don't understand it, but I'm pretty sure what it means. (I did do a lot of research on dreams when I was younger, even read some volumes of Freud.)

You're not letting me off that easy.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

***

Sorry guys. Really, I don't know. I'm just drained. My mind is playing tricks on me. Too many things are happening at home. I'm sorry I didn't read your entries.

***





What Rurouni Kenshin Weapon Are You?


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Gah. Typo. Can't edit it either.

[Note: A darker look at what I started here.]

Blood. There is blood on my face. My hands, my hair, even my shoes are stained crimson. Her blood.

She is lying there, seemingly unconscious. Her long hair (oh how I have envied those golden locks of hers that could entrance even the hardest man) lies in disarray, stained crimson by blood. Her blood, not mine. That lithe body of hers, which taunts men in their dreams, is gone now, buried under the masses of bruises she now sustains. Only those eyes (ah those brown eyes like chocolate they say, but all my poetry's gone) are still alive now, asking a question I need not answer anymore. It was answered already with this, milady.

Wipe up the liquid before it dries, dearest; it would be a shame if your beloved saw you like this: bloodied, beaten, and broken.

By my hand, dearest, not anyone else.

"Why?" Plaintively, her voice carries over the noise, the beer party not a room away from us. "Why do this?"

Silly girl. Must I repeat myself? I tell her this, and tears fall down those lovely eyes, rolling down her blood-stained cheeks. Chikuso, even I am affected by those eyes.

"Why?" She is broken, her voice barely a whisper now. "You have everything. Why do this?" She is looking past me now, raising her head up for heaven to answer her. "You were so nice before."

It is different now, child. "I may have won the battle, dear, but you have won the war." I walk away now, leaving the blood to dry, the last flicker of life in those eyes of hers to fade away.

Why, you ask.

He loves you. Even with whatever I do with myself, with you, with the world, he loves you, the fool.

And I love him.

[Note the second: Yeeeouch. How the heck did this come by after watching Pokemon?]

It's been four years now. Four years of watching, of waiting, of seeing you as you once were and now are, of growing up amidst the numerous problems that beset us all back then, from buying a recorder to rejected STR proposals.

Four years I've watched you and you know what?

I can't seem to stop.

I don't know why I can't. We've never been close. We've always been like those ships that go past each other in the night, never noticing each other as we sail by, except that I do notice, and I'm the only one who does.

If I had one wish, it would be to forget this.

What is "this?" It's the denseness you possess, the impenetrable skull you possess that keeps you from understanding me. It's the way you walk past me every school day and not notice the blush that suffuses across my cheeks as you pass by. It's the way one smile from you makes my day so much better even if I've just failed a long test. It's the measuring glance you give me when you catch me making a fool of myself.

Plain and simple, I guess, I want to forget about you. Yes, you heard me right. I want to forget about you.

I want to forget you.

Other people would notice if they had such an effect on anyone. My friends have noticed that I'm only a combination of happy-miserable when you're around, although they haven't really cornered me about it yet. (Thanks guys, you know I love you.) Even the classmates I never wish I had from long before I met you noticed how much I've changed because of you, of this silly immature love that won't die even after almost four years of living. Even my teachers, even the ones I suspect are half-blind, see it. Why can't you?

Oh yes. You're dense. Pour the ice cubes down the back of your clothes and I bet you still wouldn't wake up from your mid-afternoon nap. Turn off the computer monitor and you'll still be staring at it, never minding its sudden blankness.

Wake up, get out of bed, try and take a shower. I doubt it'll make you smell better than you usually do, but at least it's an attempt. Not that your smell drives me away, because love means having a cold when the person you love stinks.

I'm tired. I'm so tired of everything that once was. I'm even more tired of everything that now is.

Most of all, I'm tired of everything that will never be.

But I can't blame you. After all, after all these years you're still the boy-man I fell in love with back in English in first year - tall, slightly pale, and the boy who slept in English class. It's not you who changed, but me. I'm the one who grew up from back then, taking off those rose-tinted glasses and blooming in my own awkward way, trying to make something change between us, trying to make you look at me differently from what you saw back then.

In the end, even if I wish I had never met you, I still am happy to have seen you again and again these past years. Why?

You still remind me, day by day, of the reasons why I fell in love with you.

So let me close my eyes, let me see you as you were back then and as you are right now, because even if they take everything else away from me they cannot take my dreams of you away.