Incandescence

Hmmm. UP Manila considers me fit to enroll and fit to attend PE under certain conditions. Condition is to have PE with no streneous hip activity. I think I took the longest with the doctor since I had to explain why I marked the yes option on operations. So lalala, life story, four operations, yadda yadda. Doctor was pretty calm, though. At least he didn't ask me what all my doctors are asking me ever since I told them that I'm taking up intarmed:

1) The hospital walls are white. Very white. Can you take that? (I mean, I've spent at least two months bedridden - I know they're white, they're there, and so what. I'll be more disturbed if the white walls were splattered with blood. The walls being white are the least of my problems.)
2) Magiging surgeon ka ba? (Hell no. I'm sick of the profession. Just because I've been under the knife doesn't mean eventually I want to be holding that knife. Besides, there is a huge gender discrimination in that field, and I'm probably not the best specimen to try and overcome it.)

Hey, it's a step up from "not fit to attend PE." I'm just wondering what kind of PE I'll be doing. I mean, I'm not even allowed to play golf or bowling. What more if it's basketball? >_< (And no, I don't think UP Manila has scrabble.)

Hmmm. Forgot about this. UP Manila gives you the option to have rectal/abdominal/genital/breast exams. You can either take one, some, or none. Of course, I didn't take any. :) (Later my sister told me hardly anyone takes any of those exams. Oh yeah.) I think Joanne took one though.

***

I can't stop thinking about you.

I swear, the reason I'm not getting any sleep is because you keep popping up in my dreams.

And lately? You've always got a gun there. You don't shoot it at me.

Not that early in the dream though. You wait.

It's always the same. Wherever we are (and the location keeps changing - once it was the Camia room, the other time it was SM Southmall), it always starts and ends the same.

You walk up to me. You ask me to do something for you.

What's that?

Lorraine, paload nga. You hand me the gun and six bullets. The gun isn't empty. I have to take out the damaged bullets first, then I load the new ones.

You smile, you say thank you. (Rather, salamat.) I walk with you then, and we talk. It's always a different topic every night. One time it was Backstreet Boys, the other time it was the secret ending of Kingdom Hearts 2. Hell, last night it was the ending of the second season of Digimon.

And then we reach a door. The door is always white. You always say her name, then. I always shrug. I turn the doorknob.

Then, you shoot me (and you're not stingy, you use up all the danged bullets I loaded) and that's when I wake up.

Strangely, everytime I wake up I keep smelling blood. It's not the nice blood either, it's blood starting to congeal. Or maybe it's better known as the blood round slaughterhouses.

And no, I don't bite my lip when I sleep. Neither do my pimples pop, nor do I have nosebleeds.

I don't understand it, but I'm pretty sure what it means. (I did do a lot of research on dreams when I was younger, even read some volumes of Freud.)

You're not letting me off that easy.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

***

Sorry guys. Really, I don't know. I'm just drained. My mind is playing tricks on me. Too many things are happening at home. I'm sorry I didn't read your entries.

***





What Rurouni Kenshin Weapon Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.


Gah. Typo. Can't edit it either.

While I'm taking a break from my sad sad tech problems with my computer and why it won't let me send email with attachments... let's do the name meme lots of people have done. Yayyy! >_< (Geez, I'm going insane. It must be because Beltane just finished or something.)

If you call me Lorraine, you're probably one of the many people I interact with in my life.
If you call me Lorraine-sama, you're probably Francine-chan and Tessa-chan in second year when I lent them ComSci handouts.
If you call me Difficult-san, you're probably Xavier-san when I called him Stalker-san in third year.
If you call me Ame-san, you're probably Xavier-san when he remembers that Ame is rain in japanese.
If you call me Hime (or Lorraine-hime or some other variation for it), you're probably Inzo-sama (Alba to the rest of Batch '06).
If you call me Loren or some other mispronounciation of Lorraine you're probably Ma'am Abadejos. >_<
If you call me Marjorie, you're probably one of my grade school classmates who are attempting to piss me off or Sir Manaog.
If you call me Samantha, you're probably Sir Munoz in third year. >_<
If you call me Lor, you're probably my lazy brother who can't even bother to pronounce the second syllable of my name.
If you call me Raine, you're probably one of my friends in grade school.
If you call me "blink-blink", you're probably Arvin in first year.
If you call me by my last name, you're probably Sir Santiago or my Algeb teacher in second year (whose name has slipped me now, bah).
If you call me "iha," you're probably Sir Nuesa whenever I ask about corrections in Chem.
If you call me Lorelei, you're probably my friend in grade school who I talked a lot about Pokemon with. (Lorelei is one of the original Elite Four.)
and lastly, if you call me Meep, you're probably Michi-san. (Meeeeeep!) :)

[Note: A darker look at what I started here.]

Blood. There is blood on my face. My hands, my hair, even my shoes are stained crimson. Her blood.

She is lying there, seemingly unconscious. Her long hair (oh how I have envied those golden locks of hers that could entrance even the hardest man) lies in disarray, stained crimson by blood. Her blood, not mine. That lithe body of hers, which taunts men in their dreams, is gone now, buried under the masses of bruises she now sustains. Only those eyes (ah those brown eyes like chocolate they say, but all my poetry's gone) are still alive now, asking a question I need not answer anymore. It was answered already with this, milady.

Wipe up the liquid before it dries, dearest; it would be a shame if your beloved saw you like this: bloodied, beaten, and broken.

By my hand, dearest, not anyone else.

"Why?" Plaintively, her voice carries over the noise, the beer party not a room away from us. "Why do this?"

Silly girl. Must I repeat myself? I tell her this, and tears fall down those lovely eyes, rolling down her blood-stained cheeks. Chikuso, even I am affected by those eyes.

"Why?" She is broken, her voice barely a whisper now. "You have everything. Why do this?" She is looking past me now, raising her head up for heaven to answer her. "You were so nice before."

It is different now, child. "I may have won the battle, dear, but you have won the war." I walk away now, leaving the blood to dry, the last flicker of life in those eyes of hers to fade away.

Why, you ask.

He loves you. Even with whatever I do with myself, with you, with the world, he loves you, the fool.

And I love him.

[Note the second: Yeeeouch. How the heck did this come by after watching Pokemon?]

Homily heard yesterday:

Father: Let's say you are all blindfolded. I have a pail here in front of me. How will you know if there is water inside the pail?

Being a crazy person who likes to complicate things, I was thinking something around the lines of boiling point or index of refraction - which I probably cannot do being blindfolded anyway. >_<

So he said there were three ways to find out.

1. Put your hand in the pail. If you feel hard plastic, then the pail is empty. If you feel liquid, the pail has water. (Yes, the possibility that another liquid is in the pail is discarded.) This is called knowledge.

2. Toss a coin in the pail. If you hear a loud sound, then the pail is empty. If you hear a splash, the pail has water. This is called reasoning.

3. Ask someone to look in the pail. They will then tell you if it is water they see in the pail. This requires that you trust that the person will not lie to you, unlike the other two methods. This is called trust.

He then went on to say that 80% of what we know is based on trust. Books are written by people, but we trust that the books contain correct information. Teachers do the same thing, in a way.

So even if you say you don't trust someone, in the end you probably do.

***

( The contest results... )

And that's it :) Vinni-san and Josef-san get prizes since they're first and second place. Third place is a tie, so I won't give a prize anymore, gomen.

Thanks for answering :)

***

Your Power Level is: 87%

You have all the tools you need to be a success - both professionally and personally. You'll probably go beyond reaching your goals. You'll change the world (at least a little).

***

Lots of Diglett = cute. Love that episode to bits. :)

[/edit] Per my conversation with Bea-san, I've added 10 more people to the list. :) Noooo more Adelfa peopleeee.... >_< And I added some section stuff. Nooo why are there so many Adelfa and Topaz peopleeee....

[/edit 2] Okaaaayy. The comments are getting crazy. I'll continue the contest in the next entry, so just post there if you still want to guess, ne? I better start planning the prize since it seems Vinni-san's winning...

Well, I'm still pretty ragged (ie: dead) from the plane ride of doom so I still can't write about my very expensive dramatic stay in HK. So I'll talk about what happened today between my mother and our beloved PSHS system director (hereafter known as the Grand Poobah, or Poobah for short).

Mom: We were stopped at the airport when we came back from HK.
Poobah: Ah. *laugh laugh*
Mom: The Immigration person told us that there was a restraining order on my daughter.
Poobah: Ah. *laugh laugh* Ask =insert name of our OIC=.
Mom: Immigration told us that all of the people in her batch (4th year, just graduated) had a restraining order.
Poobah: Ah. *laugh laugh* Ask =insert name of our OIC=.
Mom: Why did you not tell the parents about this? We were lucky to have slipped through.
Poobah: Ah. *laugh laugh* Ask =insert name of our OIC=.
Mom: We have to go to the US soon for my daughter's checkup. What will we do if we are not allowed to go?
Poobah: Ah. *laugh laugh* Ask =insert name of our OIC=.

Eventually he did say that you could get a clearance letter to get out of the country but of course, "Get it from =insert name of our OIC=."

Obviously he doesn't want to take even the slightest responsibility for this new part of the case. Or maybe he's more involved in this than we think.

Ah, I missed blogging. All the insinuations and all that. And I missed you people too :)

Being legal is good :)

***

Here's something to do while I wait for the pictures from HK to be developed.

I've been thinking a lot about Pisay. But more than thinking about them, I'm been thinking of the colors I see when they speak, and why they appear in my convoluted dreams.

So here they are, the 40 50 people from Pisay '06 who pop up in my mind most for sometimes obvious, mostly ludicrous reasons.

The 40 50 people I thought of for no reason right now from Pisay:

1. I don't know why, but whenever you speak I see red. We were only classmates once, but really, you are a hard person to forget. You are not aware of how intelligent you really are. I envy your fearlessness in speaking your mind. What I first remember when I think of you is your hair, which you once described as "wind-swept." Your second year section was Dahlia. I'm not sure, but I think your 3rd year elective was Robotics. Jen-san, by josef_enigma

( The rest of the list... 16/50 unguessed. )

Guess if you like, because I might will give a prize to the person who guesses the most correctly. Hey, if nothing, it's something to do during summer vacation. And if you ask how I'll get the prize to you, well, there's a FedEx near my house. Of course, if someone guesses a number correctly, you can't guess that number anymore. You don't need to do it all in one go :) Try as much as you like.

Hmmm. I wonder why there are a lot of Adelfa people on my list. Hmmm. I sense something bizarre, considering I'm not from Adelfa. So maybe an Adelfa person will win. Hahahahaha.

(I think there are more people on my list from Adelfa than Camia people. >_<)

Hmmm. I wonder if my friends on lj will recognize the descriptions of themselves. Hahahaha.

I wonder who'll get 40. Hahahahahahahaha. Dapat may special prize yan. :)

***

And before I forget:
Belated Happy Birthday Michi-san! :)

I found this bizarre meme and wanted to post it. :) It is really random.

( The Random Question Meme! )

Well, I'll be leaving pretty early, so I'll say goodbye now :( I'll be gone until the 16th, I guess. :) I hope everyone gets cleared and gets their dream schedules by the time I get back :) Ganbatte kudasai minna-san!!!

And before I forget: Happy birthday me! :)

Well, I won't be around from tomorrow to Sunday evening because of a Potassium outing... so I guess this will be a long entry. (Josef-san, I'll miss you... I wish you were coming...)

***

It's always been different. Our relationship's always been different.

No. I think I'm the only one who sees it as different. It was just a game for you.

I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I won't let you use me again.

I won't ever be as stupid as to let you back in my life again.

***

Nanood ako ng anime tungkol sa internet, sort of (or what people thought the internet could be in 1998). Somehow it's not as scary as it should be now as it was then, being sucked into the internet.

Then again, maybe not. Imagine being attacked by spyware and adware, literally.

Okay, I think I still want my flesh-and-blood experience, thank you.

***

Josef-san, pupunta ka bang school sa Monday? May kailangan ako ibigay sa iyo. :)

***

I swear I tried to stop. I couldn't say it at graduation, nor at the grad ball, nor even on card-giving day.

But the thing is, I don't want to stop loving you. I don't want to stop being in love with you.

Yet I know this love has no future. We will never be together. We will never be more than friends. We were never meant to be together.

So wherever you go, whether it be UP, Ateneo, LaSalle, or somewhere else in the world, I'll wait. I'll wait and hope and love and dream and someday when I'm ready to let you go I'll hunt you down and I'll tell you...

And then I'll figure out how to say those words that I've wanted to tell you ever since first year. I love you. Thank you. Goodbye.

And I'll smile at you for the last time, a smile that isn't just from the mouth but from the eyes, the smile that I've wanted to give you ever since I realized I'd fallen in love with you.

And then, that moment, I'll truly be free again. Free from your reckless grins and laughs, free to breathe deeply, free to stop worrying if I have something stuck in my teeth whenever I talk to you.

I'll be free. I'll be happy. You know the best part of it all?

I'll be free to see how you changed me, made me a better person unconditionally, without bitterness because you never noticed me nor the changes you evoked in me.

We will never be together. We never had a chance.

But you changed me, broke the cage I was trapped in, and gave me these feelings.

My parents gave me life. You gave it meaning.

And even if we can never be together, this love, this love I cherish, will be enough. You've given me all you could ever give, and I've transformed myself using it.

I love you. Thank you. Goodbye.

***

With all the intrigue and well, basically bad feelings toward the poisoner and the media in general, it's nice to take a break once in a while.

So because of Jar :) let's do a meme!

tagged by jarjar_random

Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. Dancing in the rain, holding an umbrella but still getting wet :) (Of course hopefully also not getting a cold.)
2. Seeing episodes or memorabilia of old school anime, like Akazukin Chacha. :)
3. People saying my hair is pretty :)
4. The time after combing my hair when all the tangles in my hair is gone and it just cascades down my back :)
5. Seeing odd rare things while window shopping (like a lobster stuffed toy)
6. Waking up in the early morning during summer (when the sun's just coming out) and realizing that you don't have to get out of bed and your pillow is just so soft and comfy and going back to sleep :)
7. Seeing other people's handwriting :) Since I know how to analyze it, seeing them gives me clues as to the owners' personalities and how they feel at that moment.
8. Opening the mailbox and finding a letter that's for me that isn't bills, bills, or advertisments for bras >_<
9. Walking by and having a flower fall on my head :)
10. Singing and being able to hit all the high and low notes, from soprano range to bass range :)

Hmm. I've run out of people to tag.

tagging amethyst_water bottled_ether gin_pomelo imjaw infinity____ [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] keedowshkee pinkbunnylove red_bug_juice whirlingstorm06

It's done.

I've graduated.

And I only have this blank piece of paper with a yellow ribbon tied around it to show for it.

Well, and a medal. :) That is virtually indistinguishable from the medals Marlon-san, Isay-san, and Jman-san got.

Hahahaha.

I wonder when we'll actually get our "real" diplomas. Or if the diplomas we got are legal and valid and can be shown to the college of our choice. Or if we should just write on the blank paper and voila, our diplomas! >_<

***

It's over.

I still don't feel like it's over.

Maybe because of STR.

Or all the other things I still need to do.

Like writeups.

Gaaah.

***

Mr. General asked my dad where he was from while we were on stage.

My dad said that he was from Jolo, Sulu.

Mr. General said "Sulu? Anong pangalan mo ulit?"

Father told him, and then he told the lady with him that.

Thankfully we left soon. (Thank God for Choops-san being after me.) I was scared about what he might ask next.

Gaaah.

***

Still. It's over.

This is the last time I'll ever get to wear the Pisay uniform as a fourth year student.

I don't know what to feel.

***

Anyway, congrats Batch '06! :) We've made it :)

I'll miss you all.

But this isn't goodbye, as Isay-san said. It's just goodbye until we meet again.

Guys, this is real. What we had was real.

We're not about to just let it fade away, are we?

Batch '06 = love.

Points to anyone who knows the name of the character in my avatar :) (I think JMan-san would know.)

Wow, in 13 hours I'll see you all again. :)

There's a Potassium outing later too :) Di na ako nakapunta :(

***

JMan-san! Magkakaroon ng second season ng School Rumble. It'll start airing next month :)

***

Magkakaroon ng movie ng Silent Hill!!!!!!

I wonder if it will be as scary as the games.

***

Well, they changed some things in V for Vendetta (from the graphic novel). The whole romantic angle, the job of Evey before she meets V, and the reason why the fingermen attack her, etc. As someone said, they've changed what was political theory to a conspiracy theory. >_<

And they changed the name of the roses!!!! It's supposed to be Violet Carsons, not Scarlet Carsons. >_< I guess it wouldn't be as manly if he gave lightish pink roses, ne?

Still, it was nice in its own way. Hahaha. I want to write fanfiction or something. Something the fandom does.

***

My brother keeps creaming me at Word Racer (a yahoo game). >_< He challenges me every night. >_< I have to practice...

Lol. Never mind, I'll just watch anime.

***

Meeeeeep. When will we get our edited final paper? Don't tell me that I'll be cleared on my birthday just because Ma'am Yazon took too long to give it back.

Wait. My birthday's on Black Saturday. So I'll be cleared on the Monday after that.

Nooooo. Make it stop. Make the STR monster stoooop.

Asa.

Really, I don't understand people. They think I exist for their personal entertainment. They seem to think of me as "Dial-a-Story" or something, that I'll just write more about my so-called love life just because they want to be entertained. Never mind if I'm tired or asleep or doing something important.

It's people like them that makes me want to make this journal private.

What am I, an escape for them? Something that will pass the time while waiting for the DOTA screen to load? (I don't think even that will work.)

No, I'm the constant reminder that there will always be someone more pathetic than all of them with regards to love.

Fuck. You don't understand. What I write may just be a passing amusement for you to read, but those are my feelings, plain and clear.

I was going to post something else, a piece directly related to the last entry, but I won't do it now. Let me see who's reading this.

And let the negative feedback commence.

Really. I just want to know now who gives a damn.

(Yes, that means you. Leave a comment or whatever.)

***

La Salle is disturbing me now. Seriously. They are calling me for some reason. >_< And my mother says "tunog gwapo raw yung tumatawag." Thanks Mom, really didn't need to know that.

***

I went to school yesterday. Yes, I'm a sucker for punishment. I gave Clar-san my clearance form. :)

For a day where technically all of the student body is banned from said premises, there sure were a lot of people around. I saw lots of '06 particularly, like Josef-san, Von-Von, Julia-san, and a lot of the Viscom people (who later escaped to Gateway?). :)

***

45 write-ups. 2 weeks. Oh dear.

The interesting thing is that I have to make the writeup of certain people who've made me go through lots of emotional drama. (Well, if you don't know who, ah well.) And then on the other side I have to make the writeups of those I know really well. And then there are the people I don't know at all. Or the people who don't know me at all either.

And if you're going to ask if I have to make his writeup, well.

Sorry, but no. Ah well.

***

There is an anime about mahjong. Even I cannot believe it. Gah. And it is scaryyy.

( Behold the super-defined nose horror!!! )

***

Back to studying for Singapore Scholarship, then. Nakakabobo siya. Gah.