Incandescence

You know something's wrong when you look in the mirror and see nothing but clear gray.

I figure that this starts the end of the wyrd.

***

So now?

It's not that I'm tired. I'm just tired of perpetually being pissed off because of you.

Yeah, that's right, you.

Wake up, pick up your clothes and open that shower curtain, and maybe you'll look a little better than you normally do.

I wouldn't count on it.

And the cycle goes on and on and maybe someday we'll escape it.

Not if we go to the same college. And this is becoming more true as I type this, because it's the only option you'll ever consider and the one my parents are pushing me toward.

***

Yesterday a suspicious envelope appeared in the mailbox. It was from the Singapore Embassy.

So I'll be taking a test on March 16 and 17 at the Heritage Hotel.

Wish me luck :)

***

I cannot believe my dream job (as that Star thing says, not to be confused with DLSU's Star Scholar Program) is a Librarian. Second is a Mathematician. And I have as much chance of taking Actuarial as Chemical Engineering (which is my course in UP).

Gahhh. Considering I failed Trig 'round the Actuarial part in third year, I'm not inclined to believe it.

Also, why is there a high possibility of me being a physicist? Since first year it has been obvious that I am weak in the subject.

Also, what is a Tool and Die Maker? A person who makes the dice placed in board games????

At least I didn't get Dancer anywhere in the list of possible choices. >_<

***

You know what annoys me about guys (actually, certain guys that I know, you know, etc.)?

They always feel the need to have pissing contests with each other. If they wrong you, they don't say "I'm sorry" - they just turn to each other and say "It's your fault because chechebureche, etc." Pissing contests, wherein they blame each other and don't pay attention to the fact that each have their own glaringly obvious faults.

Why do you need to enlarge the issue? Just say the five letter word and be done with it. They just end up making the issue so much more stupid.

Well, I can't really say that I haven't done the same before.

***

Let's lock up all them glass balls before they come a rollin'.

***

I'm recently rediscovering how fun it is to play the guitar.

But the saxophone is still the best.

( Clarification on CAT. )

***

Yesterday and the day before were hell for my respiratory system.

I don't think I ever want to have another film edited again.

This means that I should seriously learn how to use that film editing program.

Gah.

***

Again and again the cycle continues. Let there be nothing more than your face that floats up menacingly in my memories every after that hour.

Let me purge you from my memories then, remove you piece by piece from my mind and throw them in the conveniently placed trash can beside me and let me walk away after, without any more second glances.

Let me stop this bleeding that started then, let me bind up my wounds and let them heal. Let the scars fade then, let me forget why I ever had them.

Let's end this. Because no one still wants to play this game, this farce, except you.

I don't know what other people see in you. I swear, you're worse than so many other people who are nicer yet aren't noticed.

Oh yeah. You've got charisma. And you're the class clown.

So what?

I'm sick of this. I'm sick and sick and sick of this.

That's why I won't think about this anymore.

I don't want to think about it anymore.

So I won't.

Pinagpalit ko ang isang orientation para sa mga candidate ng Star Scholar para sa isang presentasyon sa Filipino.

Sana naman matuloy siya diba. Kundi sinayang ko lang ang binigyang premyo sa akin. At di ko pa nalaman kung bakit binigyan kami ng susi diba. Made in China pa raw siya. >_<

[Edit at 7:21 am: Okay. Change of plans due to my adviser calling me up and basically forcing me to go. Hahaha. All that angst for nothing.]

***

I think it's time to take a break from the real-life drama I'm currently embroiled in.

More KOL, anyone?

***

Hmm. A lot of people are asking me if I'm going to Ateneo now.

I wonder why.

Let me just say that if I end up going there, it won't be because I get a free gym membership if I do so. ;)

***

I'm really tired of this Econ research thing already.

Make all these sites stop giving me adware, spyware, malware, trojans, etc.

Or at least make them stop asking me for $110.

***

Today at homeroom I couldn't see anything. I'm serious.

I was attempting to study for our "surprise" long test in AdProg when suddenly Neil-san started talking. Blam: swirls of green and blue and red started dancing in front of my eyes.

Then Mael-san started talking. Blam: more swirls appeared, this time of the green and silver and red and brown variety. Now Mael-san has a loud voice, so it was very painful. Then Elaine-san started talking too. Blam: more colors appeared.

Then Bea-san asked me if I wanted to go to a movie on Thursday. At this point I saw a faint orange tinge somewhere in the vicinity. Then Michi-san talked too and purple overwhelmed the orange. So I said that I couldn't see Bea-san. >_< And I got confused because a red blob started talking too, one who was next to the really faint orange wave. It was Albert-san :)

And it went downhill from there. Everyone was talking and talking so much and their colors clashed and clashed and people also sang off-key and I just wanted to curl up and die. Except I still had that long test next period.

I couldn't even see the handout I was supposed to study. I had to ask Neil-san (I think it was Neil-san) what handout I was holding. He said it was the FOSS one. (I think.) And more of the green and blue and red waves. And Don-san was talking too, so there was this brown-gray wave that was blinding me also. Then another classmate of mine screamed and the room became bright bright yellow, the kind that's like a certain yellow Pokemon mouse that I have a lot of stuffed toys of.

Oww. Thankfully it subsided a bit after that.

I think I need to get a stronger dosage of medicine now. I don't think it's effective anymore.

***



Considering that I am allergic to large amounts of Vitamin C, this is very amusing. And the fact that there is a region in France named Lorraine.

I'm worth my weight in gold? Really? Let me gain some more pounds then. :)


***

Rumor: Feb 18, midnight = UPCAT results. Hahaha.

After prom, UP tayo! :) In our prom gowns and suits! Hahahahahaha tatawanan tayo ng mga taga-UP.

***

Shoot. Ang gwapo niya. Wala lang.

He is more photogenic than I'll ever be.

Pero talo ko siya sa music. :) At least with the no. of instruments we can play.

"Cause it's one thing, or another,
I dont even know why I bother,
One thing I just can't get around..."
-Just Apathy, Tally Hall

I don't like it when people talk about me and he, saying that I should just confess and be done with it. Obviously everyone has one thing on their mind; they want to know who he is and if the only way they'll find out is if I confess, then so be it. At least, that's how everyone acts around me.

Understand this, my love isn't like what other people have. It's not the kind that needs verification, acts of affection, or even a verbal confession.

It's just love. Plain and simple, that's what it is.

It's the love I feel for him.

I didn't fall in love with him at first sight, you know. I fell in love with him because I saw the different side of him, the side that he doesn't show to most of those who know him. I saw it purely by chance that rainy day, that day back in first year.

And now he hides it still, keeps it hidden under his reckless grins and boyish antics. And still now I see the cracks in his armor, the times when the other he slips out and when he just breaks away and repairs those little chinks in his skin before anyone else notices.

I still love him because of that. I've seen the true him, the flaws he hides behind his mask, the things he tries to hide from everyone else, the things he can't accept about himself, and I still love him.

This love is painful, I know. It has always had that element.

You ask if I've ever felt discontentment, if I've ever wished he was gone from my life.

Sometimes it's not worth it anymore. It's not worth it to wake up and see him in your mind, grinning that grin of his and making your heart flutter like that. It's not worth it to go through life and watch him break your heart every day in various ways, never once repeating.

But in the end, there is still one immutable truth about me, which will never be erased.

I love him.

No, I love him that much.

Yeah, I changed some things about my livejournal. I realized that my previous title, etc. didn't fit the color scheme and decided to modify them. Everything is based on the fact that I have synesthesia, which I have had for seventeen years and have accepted.

Why Incandescence?

in·can·des·cence n.
1. The emission of visible light by a hot object.
2. The light emitted by an incandescent object.
3. A high degree of emotion, intensity, or brilliance.

(From American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 2000.)

Considering the things I post here, I feel that it is appropriate.

Let's see how long the layout lasts.

***

( My absence on Friday, not that many noticed... )

***

( Picture taking! )

***

Weird things happened at Pisay today. (I was there sadly because of STR.) There was this Korean (??) competition being held. While I sat by one of the green tables in the front lobby waiting for my STR groupmate, lots of people kept coming up to me asking where the bathrooms were. When I pointed to the bathrooms, they asked which one was the girls and the boys cr. >_< (They couldn't understand the signs?)

Of course my groupmate gets to school one hour and a half after the time we set, when I had finally fallen asleep on the green tables. Damn.

We saw Melo-san and Lissa-san there. :) They were using the machines that take extract from things. >_< I didn't know peanut extract was pink and bubbly. It's a pretty pink too, the kind I see when my roommate speaks. I sort of wish we had done something like that too instead of our undying solenoid + mosquito parasite project.

***

Well. I know I said in my last entry that I wouldn't fake it anymore. But I can't do it.

Why? I guess I don't want him to feel sad. I guess in the end I still want his friendship. Yeah, I guess I still do.

This is why I hate myself. I don't want people to be sad; I'd rather I take on all the sadness and let them be happy. Even if they deserve to feel low and useless and like the scum of the earth that they are.

I can't escape it.

I'll be eaten alive in college because of this.

***

You know something?

I love him.

You know something else?

I don't think I'll ever stop loving him.

***

Hey. You. Yeah, you.

After all these years at Pisay with you in my life...

I think that nothing is better or worse than waking up every morning and thinking that I love you.

(And if you've seen this line in textsecret, yeah, I'm the one who submitted it.)

A lot of people were wondering how I lived my life with synesthesia (in my case, seeing colors whenever I hear something). The truth is, my synesthesia disappeared for a while in grade school. Apparently synesthesia can temporarily disappear if a traumatic event occurs. For me, I guess it could have been my getting operated on or something else that happened around that time (lots of things happened around that time, like Bill Clinton's sex scandal). I don't know that much about it either. It slowly came back after my last operation (some time in 2001?) and then grew stronger around the end of third year in Pisay. And now it's really strong now. >_<

As a child, I was not diagnosed with it because my mother brought me to the wrong type of doctor. She brought me to an ophtalmologist, who said that I had 20-20 vision. Apparently a neurologist is the doctor able to diagnose such a disorder. Yes, lucky me. So for all these years I thought I was insane because I saw spots of color everywhere when there was noise. Ah well, at least I know I'm not insane because of that. >_<

***

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. (Except for the CAT duties of doom.) Not much classes, free ice cream, etc.

Unfortunately, something I've rarely experienced came true that day. I thought my synesthesia was mild enough, but apparently not then.

Andok-san called me "wasted" today. I guess that's how I looked to those who noticed me yesterday.

My synesthesia was at full force today. Maybe it's because of the hangover medicine I took, or because of all the stress I've had these last two weeks.

It was bad enough in English. I could hardly see Ma'am Oblepias because of the waves of color her voice evoked. I only knew she was in the middle of the room because there was a huge green and pink colored blob there speaking perfect English during our presentation.

Then things got worse around Math time. Actually, it was a walk-out. Seeing as Andok-san was a blue-violet wave to my eyes now, I decided that I'd better go to the dorm and sleep, and maybe my synesthesia would lessen (of course, this is wishful thinking).

Then 11:00 am came, and bam. I went to 316 because we (Graviton) were supposed to stay there since Sir Vlad wanted to tell us something. (I thought it was about our less-than-stellar performance last quarter. 16 of Grav have failures.) I felt really sick around then because everyone outside was so noisy and the colors were all swirling around in front of me. I was lucky to get into the classroom.

Apparently that was worse. When I sat down some people decided to sing really loudly the "Pare Ko" song of Eraserheads (Actually, I don't know if it was the remake by Spongecola. Sorry.). This was bad because each of the people singing had very distinct colors, which when mixed together were bad to the eyes. Also, the singing was off-key. >_< Then other people kept on shouting and shouting and talking and everything and my head started hurting really bad. I tried to block it all out by covering my ears and closing my eyes, but the colors were still there, mixing and mixing into a mess.

Then Neil-san and Don-san started talking really loud. Now Neil-san has this green-blue wave with tinges of light red, the type that's translucent, which is ok. But Don-san has this brown-gray wave, which is very very dark. (Not ugly, but dark.) When he started talking I couldn't see anything anymore, even with my eyes wide open. Everything was pitch dark with that brown-gray wave. (I could see slight colors elsewhere, but Don-san was somewhat near me at this time so they were overpowered.)

I have no idea how I survived ice cream. I really couldn't see anything at all. I'm glad that Don-san did not go near the dorm or else I probably would have fallen down the stairs going to my room. (Thank you Tatat-san for helping me get back to my classroom when I tried to escape and was told to go back.)

I slept after that. Then it wasn't so bad in Physics, etc. anymore. (Luckily I do not sit near Don-san in Physics, and that we did not have Filipino - he sits in front of me in that class.) CAT was ok because I didn't need to stay with Graviton. Sorry officers, that's why I was asking you all about who were absent and the haircuts and all that. It was hard to see everyone's faces past the colors. (Yes, marching has a corresponding color. It's the color of white and gray, a very light color. Still it is blinding if everyone does it.)

My head still hurts though. It helps when I sing because the color I see when I speak/sing is very light, nearly colorless. It helps dampen the other colors I see.

This is why I sing anime songs a lot.

***

Warning: Sir Englatera may not know who you are. He may give you demerits because he thinks you are someone else. He almost made me mark Amongo as having no uniform when it was really Calibo who had no uniform. This is especially bad because Calibo is doing a special project and should be known by Sir.

Tatlo lang meetings natin sa CAT ngayong 4th quarter! Two more to go! :) Then I can say goodbye to the drudgery of attendance taking! :)

***

I thought it was ok now. I thought maybe I could forgive you now.

Why do you keep pointing that finger at me? (And you tried it when we were around other people ignorant of what had happened between us. You keep hiding behind that joker facade of yours, letting me take the blame, letting me be the fall guy for your evil plans.)

Yes, let me look like the bad guy, why don't you. After all, apparently I don't give a damn about reputation. I hate that I have to be friendly to you because you're my groupmate in a heck of a lot of subjects and because I'm Lorraine Teo, friendly to everyone. (Let me throw everything back at you, let's see how you fare with the expectations you piled up on me.)

I thought there was a chance we could be friends again. I hoped that I could forget all those things you did to me, of how you broke me time and time again.

Stop it. Stop it. I don't want to hear any of your empty promises. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to think about our relationship anymore, my almost soulmate.

You know the problem with this fight we have? I think about it too much, and you think about it too little.

Forget it. It's not worth it anymore. Now I realize it was never worth it.

I didn't really plan on going to the retreat this year. I really thought that I should just do my i-cube instead of going there, not to mention study for my doomed math long test.

I'm glad I was wrong. I'm glad I was so, so wrong.

Because even if I fail the LT later, or if Ma'am Yazon yells at me for the thousandth time for falling asleep in class, or if Sir Job doesn't show up yet again for class it would still be worth every second of those days there.

( Friends... )

( Speed dating... )

( I love Camia '06. Forever. )

( Community prayer / Choir )

( In the end, nothing is left. )

( Him. It'll always be him. )

In everything is everything. Thank you, everyone :)

Edit: I got into Ateneo! :)

You scored as Chemistry. You should be a Chemistry major! As if that isnt clear enough, you are deeply passionate about Chemistry, and every single chemical reaction and concept fascinates you. Pursue that! </td> Theater 100% Chemistry 100% Linguistics 100% English 100% Sociology 100% Psychology 100% Anthropology 100% Philosophy 92% Biology 92% Journalism 92% Engineering 83% Dance 83% Mathematics 83% Art 75% What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com

Amusing >_< My life is crossdivided yet again. >_< *is pwned yet again*

Palanca Writing 2006 continues. My status is too embarassing to report on.

Today we had a homeroom session during Filipino time. We all had paper on our backs, and people wrote their wishes for us on them. Everyone wants me to get a happy love life. :)

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love. I think I'm the last one to do this anyway. >_<

In a bizarre way, this is like Palanca/Retreat letter practice. *laugh* Help me write the letters by doing this :) Don't worry, the real ones will be long long long... :)

PS: And yes, the entry title is correct. :) Japanese songs are weird.

Taken from josef_enigma:

1.) Copy and paste this into your journal:
<*font color="yourusername"> <*b>yourusername<*/b> <*/font>
2.) Eliminate the asterisks.
2 1/2.) Replace "yourusername" with your user name.
3.) See what color you are

rewritethepast

Yeah, I'm beating around the bush. As to what I'm running away from, that's none of your business. Yet. Chikuso, why did he have to say that?

Boo.

At least the party went well considering the multitude of people in red.